(Story submitted 04/11 (Our blog has a word limit so you can find the whole story and pictures on her online website listed at bottom of her story) )
Corban our Stillborn Son
This is my journey with the Lord through the birth of my son in 2007....God Bless~~
Thursday, April 19, 2007 It's Alive!!!!!
Well that ought to catch your attention.....I didn't know what else to put here to get you to come read....
Tim got to feel the baby move last night!!! The first time I felt it was on Sunday the 15th this is a full 4 weeks earlier than I have ever felt our babies move before. I didn't think he would be able to feel these little tiny kicks but when I put my hand on my tummy and pressed a little harder I could feel it on the outside so Tim tried and sure enough......he loved it, I think that is one of his favorite parts watching the baby move and being able to feel it inside there.
Anyhow just had to share and of course...get ya'll to hear my music today
Monday, May 7, 2007...A Sad Day For me...
Hi there everyone,
I went to the mid-wife this morning...on a hunch that I had that something was not right....I started feeling the baby move two weeks ago...this was such a blessing as I had never felt our other babies move this early.
I have been a little worried this whole pregnancy...I don't know if it is that mother's instinct or what....
I have not been feeling the baby move as much this last week and it kept getting less and less. I think the last time I felt it was Saturday night. I did the water test this morning...drink the ice cold water and then lay really still, no response.
I was able to drive out to the mid-wife and she was not able to detect a heartbeat, so we went to the college nearby and they did the ultrasound....no heartbeat. Our baby has passed on to be with the Lord.
They did detect fluid around the brain, around the neck and in the stomach...they called this edema(sp?)...this can come either after the baby has died or prior, they were not able to determine at this time which was the case.
The mid-wife seemed to think that if I had felt the baby move 2 days ago that it was a lot of fluid for it to be that soon after dying which would indicate that something was not right for some time....
So, now the waiting game for God to decide when the right time is to bring for this baby into our arms.
If you would just pray for me during this time...the knowing that the baby has passed on to heaven was a confirmation of my instincts....the waiting for the labor and birth, is going to be really hard.....￼
Tuesday, May 08, 2007 So the journey continues....
So the journey continues and I await to see where God will take me next. Yesterday was an overwhelming emotional day. I teeter-tottered between crying and numbness....
Nesting of a new sort took over in the afternoon. I need to have the house clean now so that when the time arrives to go give birth at the midwifes, whoever comes to watch the children will not see anything out of order......
I have packed up the pregnancy clothes as of yesterday as well, out of site out of mind they are now in the attic. All of the baby clothes are back up as well.
It seems so unfair that a person should have to think about a small box, clothes to put on a baby, a funeral, for a child so small. It is overwhelming and the waves of emotion just flood over you one after another. I can go through periods of functioning normally and carry on conversations as if nothing has happened and then I am suddenly in a whirlpool of emotions that seem unending.
I have no desire to know Why from God, I know that is not why I have been brought through this trial......I know I want to feel his arms around me and his comfort, but more importantly, I want to know How...How can I be used during this time to bless someone else.
This morning in the shower, I pleaded with God to use me somehow today to bless someone else, I don't know how that will be accomplished but I know through Christ anything is possible.
I woke up this morning to a beautiful view out my window (I took a picture but need to upload it later, hubby got the camera for work today)...I have beautiful bright green trees to look at, the Spring growth on them is spectacular
￼....the sound of the birds in all of our trees singing to each other and sharing God's creation with me.....I was just in awe of God today, this magnificent creator of all things beautiful to give me such a beautiful site to behold after a night of sleep that was obsessed with thoughts of what I am going through.
I asked the Lord to show me all the things I could be thankful for each day throughout this time and it is so wonderful to see how much there is that just relates to this time...
The Lord has blessed me with such wonderful online friends to support and pray for me during this time, I cannot make it without all of you to talk to and share my thoughts with.
The Lord blessed me with a friend who was able to tell me some of what my baby might have had wrong with it...Hydrops Fetalis....it is so comforting to know what might have been going on...it is comforting to know that God knew as well, he knew as he knit this one in my womb what would be it's life here on earth.
The Lord blessed me with such wonderful news this morning to hear of a good friend that just found out yesterday that she is expecting again. Oh how wonderful even in the midst of loss to see God bringing forth new life, it is so encouraging and definitely worth celebrating...it doesn't matter that it is not my womb. I am so not concerned right now with what my due date was to be, it is insignificant in the grander scheme of things.....
I am blessed to know God's timing in that, he sees that I need more time with my youngest son to enjoy this time when he is just a toddler before becoming wrapped in the needs of a new infant...
I am blessed by a wonderful loving husband who as he walked out of the bathroom as I was getting ready this morning...left me with these words...."call me at anytime today honey if you need to talk". I had just been thinking how am I going to get him to open up during this time and share with me his thoughts and emotions.... he had shared last night that he didn't want to deal with it in one respect and here I on the other hand cannot keep myself from thinking about it. I am off now to Hobby Lobby to find a box, to find some fabric, some soft cushiony batting...I want my baby to have the most beautiful resting place for its soft little body.....sigh....these are the moments when I know it is a gift from the Lord as he has granted me the tears that flow unstoppable from my eyes...my cheeks are drenched and saturated with my sorrow...... I will update again later today....thank you for your continued prayers.....
Wednesday, May 09, 2007 The song in the background...so take my basket... Tuesday night
I think this has become my new theme for the next while….Here is my basket, please don’t refuse it…maybe it will grow…..I have to keep my focus on what little I have to offer right now for God to use. If I become completely and totally self absorbed, I cannot be open to God using me to help someone else even in the midst of my own struggles….
I spent yesterday afternoon making a final resting place for this blessing when it arrives. I hope to get some pictures to post. I got the box at Hobby Lobby along with some baby print flannel and batting and then some decorative trim. I cut the foam into pieces to line the sides, bottom and lid. I covered it with the flannel and then before I put all the sides into place, I took lavender flowers and liberally sprinkled them on the back side, so hopefully it will infuse the area with the smell of lavender….I put the ribbon across the inside of the lid section..and then glued it down in a few places to give me a couple of little pockets to stick some memento’s in….I want to include a family photo. And the words to a song that has helped me lately…and just some words of my own…to share….I have no idea what they will be, and to actually think about writing them is too much right now. I had bought a lamb to go in the box as well, every child should have a stuffed animal, yet I think the one I got is too big, I am going looking tomorrow through my toys I have packed away for the children because I know there is a small tiny lamb in there that would be just perfect and soft.
Tim talked to our Pastor tonight to make some arrangements for when our blessing arrives. We will have a ceremony here at our house. We decided to get a special plant to mark our grave site….I could look upon a beautiful continuously growing creation of God’s much easier than a cross.
So much of my afternoon was spent on the box today, I was totally focused on that yet…it was more of a need to get it done, I was so afraid I would not have it done before I needed it….I was able to complete it as much as I did, yet it wasn’t an emotional time, it was a project…I know when it comes time to be used…then it will be really hard.I guess right now, is the fact that I am dealing with the fact that I am carrying around a baby that is not breathing…it seems surreal/unreal in a way…I know it is there, I can’t feel it move….I guess you can never be prepared for when it is time to give birth…you just never know even when it is full term when your time has come….This is the hard part for me…I know the really hard part of this trial is yet to come…not so much just the process of giving birth but facing the reality that this beautiful tiny bundle is already gone to be with Jesus….
I woke up this morning, early, Haley wanted some water it was about 6:30am….my mind has been awake ever since…instantaneously going to more thoughts about what is to come.I keep thinking about what will be my reaction when I need to drop my children off, will I just become an unstoppable fountain of tear. What will happen with our funeral, will I just completely collapse, will there be anyone from church, is just us and the Pastor, could I handle anyone from church….I play over scenes in my mind of being surrounded by everyone at church just praying for us, and I just see myself totally broken down and crying from the strain.I see myself crying the whole way to the midwife, knowing what is to come but not wanting to handle the end result. Lord, I am so thankful that you are here with me, and know my every thought so that you will know how to comfort me throughout these issues as they arise.
I finished writing the first part of this post last night and just collapsed here on the keyboard in despair. The tears that I had held back earlier in the day just seemed to pour out of me. The magnitude of what I am going through is beyond me. I went to bed exhausted and was instantly asleep once Tim finally came to bed. He read my blog and said it brought tears to his eyes yet shared so well what I was going through.
It sure is a sign of how God creates men and women differently when you go through something as intimate as what we are going through in this tragedy. Here I am the one carrying the baby and have all these issues to deal with…..Tim is my supporter and cannot possibly know the length and breadth of all of my thoughts….his are surrounded by sadness over the loss we have experienced and the difficulty of what is to come.
I laid there in bed this morning staring at the ceiling fan going round and round…it is so easy to lose yourself in that simple act of focusing on the fan…nothing else can intrude as you just let your mind watch one blade going by repeatedly….it would be so nice to not have any thoughts at times.
I have totally lost my appetite, well at least yesterday…a yogurt and a few bites of salmon for dinner…I managed to eat the last three mini peanut butter cups.Through all of these ramblings this morning as I start the day though, there is one thing new…a new day and with that comes God’s mercy and grace to help me through today. May He strengthen you, in His glorious might, with ample power to meet whatever comes with fortitude, patience and joy, and to give thanks to the Father" Colossians 1:9-12 I have been using that scripture as my signature on my email for the last year…maybe two years…could it be any more fitting than right now….and the wonderful thing is…God does strengthen us if we were to just stop and realize that it is Him working behind the scenes to get us through each trial it is not by our ourselves. Today, I am getting bags ready to go for the children and for ourselves….I just don’t want to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off when ever the Lord says..”OK, let’s go”. I am going to try and do cleaning today, my desire to do anything really at this point seems to be gone, but I cannot let apathy get in the way…..I know the Lord will provide me with the joyous thoughts I need and I will be joyous in doing what I need to accomplish this day.
This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Love to you all and God Bless.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007 Mid afternoon on Wednesday....
Hi there Ladies,Thank you for stopping by throughout the day when the Lord puts me on your heart. I have been watching my footprints....it is a huge measure of comfort when your phone does not ring from those closer to home. I know you are out there praying for me and it is so very helpful...do not ever underestimate the power of prayer, I feel it in action.
The Lord has so blessed me this morning to get a great portion of my house just tidied...the paperwork pile on my desk disappeared in no time....the sweeping up of the dining room crumbs....wow, how can children generate soooo many crumbs!! =) I have shined my kitchen sink and removed hot spots of clutter, and was able to get laundry folded and put away.
I did get my children's bag of clothes packed....I seem to be procrastinating on doing mine for some reason....I would like to get the family room dusted and the spare bedroom tidied...at least the bed cleaned off for use if needed.
As I was in the shower this morning just letting the beads of hot water penetrate my soul....I was thinking how much we are tied to this physical world in some aspects....I know that my child has gone to heaven and yet, I can't help wanting to provide it physical things here on earth for it's final resting place...A picture of us, a stuffed animal, an outfit...when in reality, it is already clothed in the most beautiful gown and has so many warm and welcoming arms to hold and comfort it...more than I could ever provide....
I am praying the Lord would hold off today in his timing and that our baby would not be born this afternoon, only because of Tim's work schedule....he has a particular job today and once he gets started it is near impossible to leave and it will last at least 4 hours....it does not start until 3:30 and is a little ways away....I am praying that the Lord would allow this baby to be born on Friday....Tim needs to go to NC next week Monday and Tuesday for an installation....
I have not told my parents yet or Tim's parents what I am going through...I thought it would be just easier to tell them that the baby had been born when the time came....I don't know if I can make it that long without calling my mom....Tim suggested leaning on his parents during this time...they could come up from FL maybe and then his mom could deal with the children and his dad could help Tim out with his heavy work load....he thought though that this might be more stressful for me....for those that don't know, I have had a strained relationship with his mom for the whole time we have been married 6 years... I just don't know if that would help me out...I just don't know what to do...
I have sent out emails to church members and only one person from my small group responded.....the Pastor's wife sent an email and one other lady offered to bring a meal or something....3 people out of a church full no phone calls..aside from the lady from small group who might be able to watch our children....if we don't go into labor over the weekend...they are gone...I feel so outside of my church right now.....really not fitting in there....
The Lord knows my needs and I know he will provide for them when each moment arises....Haley is not feeling well...this is the 3rd day...her intestines are not happy...the Lord knew this though because he had me buy the Applesauce for Tim last week when he had his wisdom teeth pulled and he didn't eat any....Haley has been eating it today...thank you Lord!!!I will post more this evening hopefully...I need to get some supplies from the store for after our baby is born.I wanted to add, the blog has been unlocked for anyone to view anywhere in the world...pass the word around if you know of anyone who is going through a miscarriage, please feel free to share my addy, post it on forums whatever....it could be another way that God could use me to help someone else. Thanks.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007 Wednesday evening...
Well my dear friends and family,Another evening has come...what a blessing today has been from the Lord!! He has given me time to prepare my home and has kept me occupied so that I am not completely absorbed in what is to transpire...
Praises to God I heard from church today. Someone passed on my email to another family and the mom called up and said she could be on call through next Thursday to help us out if we needed her assistance to watch the children. A young lady from our Small group emailed to say she would be on call as well....Praise God for this out flow of help and support. And!...another member from small group stopped by my house!! She was so kind to stay for a while and listen and talk about what I was going through...Thank You Lord for sending these people my way, it has helped me tremendously....
I see you ladies from CMOMB stopping by and I am so thankful to God for putting it on your hearts...I can't put into words how much it means to see people stopping by here to see how I am doing...your presence is lifting me up, giving me strength in addition to that provided by Our Lord....your kind words and IM's are heartfelt and greatly appreciated.
But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! 2 Corinthians 12:9 AMP
Dear Lord, In this storm that will not end without loss, I ask that the strength and power of Christ may rest on me--that it may actually pitch a tent over me and dwell upon me. Amen
Tim completed the job this afternoon in record time praise God!!...these type of installations just never seem to flow smoothly and this one did.
I received this poem below in an email that was totally unrelated to what I am going through today...it was about a lady living with Cancer...the words I thought were so appropriate that I would share them here...
He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions, He addeth His mercy
To multiplied trials, He multiplies peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance
When our strength has failed and the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving is only begun.
His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
-Annie Johnston FlyntIsn't it just like the Lord to send you nuggets like this in your time of need! Why are we so amazed when these things come our way to make it a little easier in the midst of trial....
I received this poem via IM today.... Can I just say how much these have been HUGE BLESSINGS!! Thank You Lord....
When peace like a river, attendeth my way;
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
It is well...with my soul... It is well, it is well, with my soul...
When peace like a river, attendeth my way;
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
It is well...with my soul... It is well, it is well, with my soul...
I was able to do some research and prepare myself for what to expect with the birth of this baby... Tim and I were able to look at some pictures of babies born with this anomaly... I guess it is better to be prepared than to be shocked.... I am just praying that what I saw on the ultrasound has not transgressed into what I saw in the pictures while it is in waiting in my womb.
My conversations with God seem to be constant right now and perhaps that is ok that I am at least talking to Him if not reading his word.
My mom called today....they are still on their way home from leaving our house on the 16th of April well I told my mom...she was just devastated for us....she offered to fly right back out....they have been on the road since March 21... What a wonderful blessing to have such loving parents... I told my mom no, that I think I will be alright.... I know she wouldn't hesitate to be here tomorrow....
I have made a decision to not have Tim's parents come and he is o.k. with that.... my reason being, I just want the liberty to grieve in my own way... I can still grieve and function for my family... I do not feel I would be able to do that with his mom here..... I actually think that she would be a greater asset for me as a prayer warrior than here in person.... she is such an awesome prayer warrior when the Lord puts it on her heart.
I truly believe the Lord is helping to store up my reserves of strength this last 2 days.... I am going to need it for what is coming and I believe that time to be soon. I think I will be a complete and total basket case if Sunday comes and no birth!
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us--they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5 TLB
Dear Lord, I am determined to know You. What is there about You that You want to teach me in this storm? Give me clarity and discernment when the time is right. Thank you Father God for all you are doing for me each day. Amen.
Love and God Bless for the night~~
(The rest of her blog of her Journey can be found on link below)
I also wanted to mention as a post script, as part of this journey, the Lord laid it upon my heart to start a Chistian grief support group for women who have gone through a stillbirth loss. We have been up and running since 2007 and welcome any lady who wants a chance to talk to other women about the issues she may be dealing with. You can find my forum at: http://www.comfortinheaven.com
Thank you so much for reading along and sharing my journey.
There are some further pictures of my son Corban on my blog here at this link: Pictures of my son Corban