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About this blog

Blog of stories about loss, resources and information etc...

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This is a list of many resources out there for many families suffering from a loss of all ages of baby-child. Note we will be updating this as we are aware of more resources.

Heavens Gain: Heaven's Gain specializes in providing small baby caskets and burial products for families suffering the loss of a child through miscarriage or early stillbirth. These specialized caskets can be purchased at Heaven's Gain LLC <----LINK

Now I lay me down to sleep:Now I lay me down to Sleep (NILMDTS) is a 501 c (3) non profit who consists of professional photographers offering bereavement photography free to families who is expecting to lose, have lost or is losing their infant from 25 weeks gestation -- or at the discretion of the hospital. Please visit their website at: NILMDTS

Angel Names Associates: The Angel Names Association is a nonprofit, 501©(3), charitable organization dedicated to assisting families of stillborn children through programs designed to provide financial assistance for end-of-life expenses and counseling services, and funding for stillbirth research. You can find out more information on their website: A.N.A

Emmazing Grace Foundation: assisting in easing the financial burden of burial costs by helping with funeral costs, and cemetery monuments. Read more on their website: Emmazing Grace Foundation website

Footprints Ministry: A Christian organization that publishes a free newsletter for families who have lost children of any age for any reason. Find out more here: Footprints website

Eternal Perspective Ministries (EPM): A wonderful book many grieving families have found helpful in their grief is called "Heaven". Please view more information about this book: EPM website

Miss Foundation: The MISS Foundation is a 501 © 3, volunteer based organization committed to providing crisis support and long term aid to families after the death of a child from any cause. MISS also participates in legislative and advocacy issues, community engagement and volunteerism, and culturally competent, multidisciplinary, education opportunities. Read more: MISS WEBSITE


Heavenly Angels in Need charity would love to share your story online.


CONTACT US: hainfounder@gmail.com or HAINCharity@gmail.com 



If you have a poem (only a poem you wrote)


If you have a story of your loss (Share pictures if you wish)


If you have a resource website


Are a volunteer that wishes to share why you give to families in grief.


Want to offer support







Hope all is well! I just wanted to let you know that our team here at Healthline loved your information in Heavenly Angels In Need! We love the support that your organization provides to many grieving parents and the wonderful work that Heavenly Angels In Need!

We loved it so much we included it in our recent article "Finding Support When Grieving the Loss of a Child" You can see the article here: http://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/loss-of-a-child

For a little info on Healthline: We’re the fastest growing health website with over 40 million monthly users. We take great care and pride in providing top-quality health information to our loyal fan base with all content undergoing a rigorous editorial review by a team of doctors.

Thanks again for the great piece!

All the best,


Renee Michelle

Story shared with HAIN April 2009

Dear Mary,

This is something I wrote a few years back, and edited today to make it more geared to something I felt comfortable with sharing. Feel free to use it in the newsletter if you wish. If it's too sad to put in there, I will understand and will not be offended. This is a letter I wrote to my sister (my only sibling), who was born and died 33 years ago.

Amy Wenzel

To my Angel Sister

I've never seen you, not even a picture. There are no footprints, no lock of your hair, no blanket or booties that you wore. No shared memories of childhood, sharing toys, or clothes, or makeup. No fighting over the bigger piece of cake, or whose turn it was to feed the cat, or about who got to sit in the front seat last time. I wonder what you would be like today. Would we have gone to the same college? Would you be married with a family of your own? Would you take my kids to the park and spoil them with ice cream before dinner and buy them too many toys? Would we even be close? Would we even have recognized how lucky we were to have each other? How different life would have been with a sister!

Back then, when babies died no one talked about it. They tried to pretend you never happened. All your sweet-smelling baby things were put away before mom even came home from the hospital. They never spoke your name aloud, and the one time that I remember asking about you, people gasped and the room fell silent, and our parents started to cry. Why does speaking the name of an angel, coming from a grieving child, get the same reaction as a 4-letter-word? Has everyone here gone crazy? Did they really forget you? If I die, will they forget me too?

What I didn't know then, is that they were told by the doctors and nurses to try and forget they ever had you, and to "move on". "Be thankful you didn't have time to get attached." Thankful. For this? How long does it take to "get attached" to your child, your flesh and blood? Surely nine months of a baby growing and moving inside her is not enough time for a mother to grow to love her daughter. They never let her hold you, and she only got to see you for a few brief moments, thanks to a compassionate nurse who snuck her out of her room in the middle of the night and wheeled her hospital bed to the nursery window. I don't know whether our dad ever held you, he can't tell me anything about you, because he can't talk about you. No one took a picture to remember you by. No one thought to save anything that was yours. I wish I could know what you looked like, how big you were, what color your hair was. I wish there was someone that could tell me. But mom doesn't know, and dad can't talk about it. Mom thinks she remembers that you had lots of brown hair, but grandma says that you had hardly any hair and that it was blond, and that the brown-haired baby that mom remembers was actually me. All I know is that you were over 9 pounds, and that you were perfect in every way. Had it not been for a traumatic birth, you would have been a healthy baby.

I would like to think that in your brief stay here on earth, that you felt the loving touch of your family, but I am pretty sure that you were alone in the nursery for all of your time here. I have read your medical records, and I know that your death did not come painlessly or quickly. I hope and pray that there was some caring nurse there with you, to comfort you when you breathed your last breaths. I pray that Jesus held you close as you suffered, and escorted you personally into Heaven. They buried you on mom's birthday, while she was still in the hospital, recovering from surgery after a birth gone horribly wrong. I hope that you had something pretty to wear in your casket, since you never got to wear clothes while you were alive. I hope you know that you were loved.

Such a big part of our parents died along with you that day. They were never allowed to grieve, and their hearts have never healed. Their lives "moved on", but their spirits never did. Things were never the same. Always, there is someone missing. They may have "pretended" like you never existed, but you were and still are very much remembered, and loved, and missed.

In Loving Memory of Renee Michelle, who was born June 11, 1975 and journeyed home to heaven June 13, 1975. See you when I get there!


Mommy Mommy

(Shared with HAIN 04/2013)

I wanted to share my poems I word for Amiira and Chasse'.

*Mommy Mommy*

I wanted to hear you cry

I wanted to hold you through the night

I wanted to feed you

I wanted to greet you and to see your eyes

I wanted to change your pampers and comfort you

and later on...to hear you say "Mommy Mommy"

Written on 4.6.13

P. Chase in memory of Amiira and Chasse 3.31.13


My Angel

I have an angel above

She waits for me there

Written for Heavenly Angels In Need by Peggy McClure

April 9, 2011

20 years, 4 months and 8 days since my angel spread her wings in flight.

She is perfect in every way

Just couldn't on this earth stay

Many tears I have cried

Since the day she got her wings

And many I cry to this day.

Life was not meant to be

For this angel of mine,

Tho I couldn't understand why

God needed her there.

I never heard her laugh or cry

She left too soon.

I have an angel above,

She waits for me there.


Baby Seth

(Shared with HAIN 2011)







No farwell words were spoken, No time to say goodbye...You were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why.


We found out that we were expecting Seth in September 2008 on Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish new year). We found that to be very fitting because we had gotten engaged on Rosh Hashanah in 2004 and I took this as a sign that it was meant to be. We had been trying to conceive for 9 months and we couldn't have been happier to get this news.

We had previously been pregnant in 2007 and lost our son ,Sloan, when we were six months pregnant, due to fetal anomalies, so unfortunatley we were no strangers to loss.

Our pregnancy was going very well...I had mild morning sickness in the begining but it wasn't to bad and I was just so happy to be pregnant that I didn't mind. We were both nervous due to the complications with our son Sloan, but we just kept positive and we prayed that all would be ok. Every doctor's appoinment went wonderful and everything was right on track. After the 24 week mark, I kind of breathed a sigh of relief, because that was when we lost our Sloan. At 24 weeks, Seth was doing perfect and did not have the condidtion that his brother had. I was so happy and I just knew that everything was going to be alright. I allowed myself to relax and even begin to dream of the future with our little boy.

Everything was going as planned... Randy and I took a baby care basics class and a breast feeding class and had attended the first of 4 sessions of our birthing class! I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday April 7th,2009 and everything was ok...His little heartbeat was 148 and everything seemed ok. On Wednesday I noticed that he wasn't as active as he had been, but in our classes they had told us that babies have quiet times and if you don't feel him moving a lot, try to drink something sweet and lay down for a while and wait for movements. I did as instructed and though I didn't feel movements like I normally felt, I did feel what I would describe as him "shifting". Like he moved his entire body to one side. I thought that was a positive sign and decided to go to bed. Through out the night and in the morning I didn't feel movement. I was at work and decided I should call my doctor. She asked me to come in right away.

When I got to the office, the doctor did an ultrasound and found that there was no heartbeat. Two days ago everything was fine, and now my little boy was gone. I was in such a state of shock...I couldn't believe this was happening. I felt like my whole life had stopped. Everything in my life revolved around the little boy growing inside of me and then he was taken from me in a heart beat. I felt like my life was over and I didn't know what to do.

I called my husband and told him what was happening and asked him to meet me at the hospital. At the hospital we were met by my Mom, Dad, Brother, Grandmother, Aunt Sue and my best friend Sara. The hospital did another ultrasound to confirm, but it was true...Seth Andrew, our little boy who we loved and prayed for and wanted more than anything in this world, was gone.

I was induced on Thursday, April 9th,2009. It was a long process made easier by the friends and family that surrounded me. Randy and I were blessed to have my Sister, Mom and Sara there with us through out the night. I gave birth to my son on April 10th, 2009 at 8:10 p.m. He weighed 3 pounds 10 ounces and was 17 inches long. He had his daddy's nose and curly hair. He had my full bottom lip and big feet. He had a little dimple in his chin just like his cousins. My Seth had the prettiest lips I had ever seen. His little top lip looked like a perfect little bow tie and they were the kind of lips that even girls would be jelous of. He was so handsome and beautiful and perfect....I felt so lucky that he had chosen us to be his parents.

I am happy to say that Seth was born into a world of love. He was greeted and held by the loving arms of His Mommy and Daddy, both of his Grandmothers, and two of his Aunts, Sara and Dee. I am very happy that Randy's Father got to see him also. I wish that our entire family had the opportunity to meet him, but he will forever be a part of our lives and families and he will never be forgotten.

Our little Seth already had nicknames....even before he was born I called him my Sethy and Randy called him Setharoni.





(shared with HAIN 2011)




I'm not even sure were to really begin with my tough journey, but here it goes.. My x bf jared and i got together june '08. I found out i was pregnant in july. All was going well with our baby untill our 20 week level 2 u. sound..I didnt tell my mom i was pregnant yet... Our u. sound was nov 7.I was excited bc i wanted to know if it was a boy/girl. As soon as the tech put the scan on my tummy i knew something was wrong... She stepped outside and got her boss, the head ob. He scanned my tummy and scanned for what seemed like forever. Eventually he told me i had no fluid around my baby and that i was to call children's hosp of philly asap...We finally got an apt on my bday nov 13,08.. This day i'll never ever forget! We were told that our baby has virtually very little fluid, which meant no kidneys and no hope for life! The next day on the 14, i went to see my regular ob, he told us it was my choice on what i wanted to do.. I chose to be induced.. I went in on the 19th of nov and it took 3 long painfull days till i deliverd Angel marie at 213am. She weighed 14 ounces...CHOP told us, what happend to us was a "fluke" and if we wanted to try again we would have a healthy baby.. So as soon as jared and i were able to try again we did. It took us 4 months till we became pregnant again... Yet again all was going well untill our 18 week u. sound. My o.b saw a decress in this babys fluid.. Once again my heart dropped to the ground and i knew we had to head to children s hosp... We learned there again that our2nd baby had no hope.. The baby developed his/her right kidney but the left one was either to small or non existent! No chance for surival.. I chose yet again to be induced. I went in on the 27th of july and yet again it took 3 days to deliver my son Jessie at 201pm....Jessie weighed 9.2 ounces...Jessie was only 19 weeks gestation, they were unable to tell us the sex of the baby so we had a piece of skin taken to be sent of and grown...It took six long weeks before i knew Jessie was really a boy! Little ms Peyton was a suprise. I became pregnant with her only 5 weeks after i lost Jessie! Now after Peyton was born Iawa's childrens hosp is doing a research study about renial and bi latter renial agenises... They took blood and skin frm Peyton, they have blood and skin from Jessie Now comes the hardest one to two years of my life.. I pray they find something out to why all three of my babies died!

Peyton I knew she had potters syndrome at 12 weeks gestation. I was already seen @ philly's chop and told there is no hope... Yet again i was given the 3 choices... I so wanted to wait till I was full term with this baby b.c it was my mother insint to do so..and bc it was Jared's and mine last baby together.. Jared broke up with me when I was 9 weeks along with her.. Told me he loved me but not in love with me.. Now what the hay that means i have no darn clue.. Around my 20 week ob apt. I told my ob I wanted to go full term. He was not happy nor willing to let me do that... He told me if i did not induce before 24 weeks i would no longer be his patient... Feb.13, 2010 was my last ultra sound I had gotten of my precious baby.. I heard his.her heart beat and knew that sooner then later id be seeing him/her... I went into Labor and delivery on Feb 22, 2010 @ 630 am.. They started me with my iv and fluid...Then every 4 hours id get double dose of cyitact.. (sp)... My mom was with me non stop until she had to go home and take care my puppy and her cats... I was given an ambien around 1130pm. they were an hr and half late giving it to me....I took it.. With in 30 minutes i was exausted...by 1230am I was half asleep half awake and began to feel my contractions BAD!! I fully woke up by 153am... Called the nurse and told her i was in sever pain... My ob. Dr.Dinesen came in and checked me, I was 3.5 c/m dialiated.. I could get an epidural if I wanted... I told them YES.. at 2am i called my mom.. She arrived with in a half hr. I'll never forget the terrior that went through me when I began labor with out my mom... It was such a releaif when my mom showed up..We both fell asleep untill 515 when I was woken up and had the urge to pee.. The nurse emptyed my bladder and i knew as soon as she was done it was show time.. She told the other nurse to call dr dinesen in.. He was home sleeping.. It took him untill 530am to get to me and ready for delivery of my sleeping angel... I remember them putting my legs in the leg rest and lifitng my bottom up and before I knew it Peyton fell right out. I did not have to push! She came out in her sack... dr dinesen cut her out and they wisked her away to the table to make sure she was not breathing and to weigh her. Peyton weighed 1lb 2 ounces and just beautiful!!!! Once she was placed in my arms I imediently saw that from her forhead to her nose she was soo bruised and purple. Why i dunno... Her face she looked like Jessie( my son).. but had Angel's long long legs...



On a side note: Peyton was thee only one out of my three that was able to wear a donated hand made outfit and blanket.......




(Shared with HAIN 2011)



Robbie died on March 27, 2008. My baby died due to True knot in his cord and placental abruption. Robbie died at 38.5 weeks gestation. My world crumbled down on me and our family.

The pregnancy was no walk in the park, due to antibody issues but he was thriving and growing as he should be. With this issue, many ultrasounds visits, blood work had to done to check his titers to make sure his blood levels were stable. We were so looking forward to having our little boy. His siblings were so excited to meet him. My oldest son was so looking forward to having a baby brother because there were too many girls in the house.


In early March, the antibody levels were down and up and my husband and I begged the doctors to induce labor (this was in early March). I was very sick at the time. I was big and uncomfortable. I just wanted my son in my arms. Doctors said that they wanted to wait and have more further checkups and blood work and they would go from there.


Easter weekend, my family doctor put me on bed rest. I was retaining a lot of fluid in my face and legs. I was a mess. My husband was away on business . It was hard weekend. Easter morning, I wasn’t feel up to par. I kept going as usual. I had a 2 year old at the time and it was impossible to relax or stay still. I was getting more and more tired. Face and body was very swollen. Monday, I told my husband I felt weird. The baby was kicking a little.

By Tuesday, I felt no kicks. I was talking to friend and I told her something wasn’t right.


Wednesday was my routine check-up with my family Doctor. She took her Doppler out and checked my belly for baby’s heart beat. 10 minutes go by, another 5. I began to worry. She was worried too but I know she was putting a brave face on for me. She told me to go straight to IWK and get checked out. She called ahead of time.


My husband and I and my 2 year was with us at the time. The ride to Halifax felt like eternity. We get to the hospital and they put us in a small room . One doctor takes out the ultrasound machine from another room. As soon as she put the fetal doppler on my stomach, and paused in silence for 3 seconds, I knew he died.

The doctor told me there was no heart beat. My husband didn’t hear her. He was holding our daughter, trying to settle her down. I screamed and tears poured down my face. My husband knew he was gone. From there, they began the inducing process. I was given medication due to high blood pressure. I found out I suffered from Preeclampsia. Preeclampsia, which almost took my life. They were worried I wouldn’t make it. The heavy doses of medication help bring my blood pressure down somewhat.


I don’t remember a lot but I know that I lost my son and I had to deliver my son. A lifeless body. A child we so wanted and were so excited to welcome him to the world.

I was induced at 6:00pm March 26th. I felt no pain during labour. I had so many wonderful doctors in my room. I think I counted six doctors and four nurses, who took good care of me through all this.I delivered him vaginally- breech. Foot and leg first. A terrible position and terrible pain.


I delivered my son 1:18, March 27. He weighed 7lbs 3oz. He looked like his daddy and sister. He had dark hair and chubby little face. All I could do was look and rock him because I knew this will be the last bonding moment I will have with him. We cried and cried. We had him blessed. After 30 minutes, we said our good- byes. It was hardiest and saddest moment in my whole life existences as mother. I wanted to keep him with me. I know some mother’s go home with many pictures that they had taken, I wish I did that. They gave me a beautiful memory box full of personnel belongings he had on him. His lock of hair ,Teddy he held. His foot prints were also taken in gold glitter. His clothes.


We buried our son April 1, 2008. After the funeral, my hubby took my blood pressure. It was 210/110. My family doctor told Jeff to rush me to nearest hospital right way. They hooked me up EKG and monitor my heart rate. They were beginning to worry. They tried not to show it but I could read their minds that it was serious business. It didn’t look good. My heart rate dropped and dropped. They wanted me to move around in my bed. My husband rushed home to get my blood pressure meds. Doctors requested to transfer me back IWK by ambulance. There I stayed another 5 days monitored by nurses and doctors. I couldn’t recognize my own face because it was so swollen by the medication. I could only see a little out of two eyes. My blood pressure was up again and wouldn’t go down for the next 2 days and then they sent me to another floor.


After the seventh or eighth day I was able to leave. Leave without my baby. From there, I had to rest and get well. It took a good two weeks to come around. Meds and appointments and blood pressure checks at home. The blood pressure machine my husband bought, which saved my life. It took three months to get off the meds and my body to come around again.


My husband and I attended a support group at IWK. It so helped me release my saddest and anger I was feeling. I wasn’t alone. I met so many friends from our group that I wanted to do something for other families, who lost their baby.



Three months after the loss of my son, a friend of mine, who I worked with and she had also lost her son, came up with a Face Book group, “Halifax Walk to Remember”. Then another Face book friend joined together and we finalized the name, “Halifax Walk to Remember”. Thanks to Spiritual Care, the IWK team helped us move on to our walk.


Halifax was now first ever to have Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on October 15th. A day to remember our babies, either through miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal loss and others. It was accepted by the government and now the Province of Halifax has Proclaimed, “October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. We are so proud we have this chance to do this for other grieving families in my Province. It was my mission, as well as my committee members to make this possible not only for me but others.


Our first annual walk to remember was a success. 240 attendees. So many stories and so many faces of hope and friendships. We all have a common bond. We have this day to remember are babies. October 17th, 2010, we had are 2nd Annual Walk to Remember. 300+ registered .

As a Founding member, I hope my message will get out and help others to break the silence of loss.


I also had two other losses. One in 2005 at 11 weeks near Valentine’s Day. We found out that the pregnancy ended at 6-7 weeks. An ultrasound was done and through the results from ultrasound machine there was only the sac and no baby. Blighted Ovum. A D&C procedure was done. Three months later, I got pregnant with my daughter, Elaina.


Another miscarriage 2009 at 12 weeks, a year after my Stillborn son. We found out through CVS that I was having a little girl. She died of natural causes. We named her Faith Anne.


We miss you and we love you.




Founding member of Halifax Walk to Remember





Baby Benjamin

(Shared with HAIN 04/11)





I found out I was pregnant shortly after my dad's funeral (he was 77). And when we found out that we were having a little boy we were so excited because we already have one boy and two girls and we really wanted our son to have a little brother. Everything went so smoothly, just like the previous three.


Benjamin loved to kick. He kicked constantly. Counting kicks was kind of a joke because by the time I got to 200 or 300 in one hour, I would start to lose count.


But he had a sense of humor too. He would start one of his kicking bouts and I would tell my husband, "Come here and feel this. He's kicking again." But my husband would put his hand on my belly and Benjamin would stop. Then he would remove his hand and Benjamin would start kicking again. Then he would put his hand back on my belly and Benjamin would stop again.


I even tried to video tape his kicks, but EVERY TIME I turned on the recorder, Benjamin would stop kicking. My husband tried taping them too, but he didn't have any luck either.


My husband then started having dreams about strange doctors telling him that there was either something wrong with me or with the baby. He decided not to chance anything happening and started driving me to work and hovering around to make sure I was ok.


On Christmas Eve, at my 40 week appointment, everything checked out beautifully. If Benjamin didn't come by his due date, the 27th, we were going to induce on the 29th.


And I finally got ONE kick recorded on video.


On December 26th, my husband and I both had difficulty going to sleep, so we stayed up to watch a movie. By 2:00am on the 27th, we decided to go to bed and my husband kissed Benjamin goodnight. Benjamin kicked back his goodnight to daddy.


On his due date I was busy with our other kids (who were 3, 2, and 1 1/2 - so they keep me very busy) and had an odd feeling about Benjamin just kind of "laying there." But I figured, "Hey, it's his due date. Kicking always slows down the longer they are in there." I did have trouble breathing and had a dizzy spell that day. My husband went out with our son to run a few pre-baby errands and I put the girls down for a nap. I realized that I didn't remember feeling any kicks since he kicked "goodnight" to his daddy, so I started counting kicks. After I drank my juice and laid down for about 30 seconds, I knew something was wrong. Absolutely no movement when juice would always get a reaction from him in the past. Yet I still hesitated to call the doctor because, with all three other kids, I had the same problem of not feeling movement and all three, obviously, turned out fine. I ended up going to the hospital with my girls just to be safe.


The nurse placed a Doppler on my belly and couldn't get a heartbeat. She left and brought in a new one....Still no heartbeat. They brought in the ultrasound machine. Up came the picture of baby Benjamin - totally still - no heartbeat - no blood flow. I knew it was all wrong and couldn't figure out why nobody was cutting me open right then and there to get him out and get him breathing. It was so infuriating. The nurses just stood there.


By this time my husband arrived with our son ... and so did the ultrasound specialist. I knew by the look on my husband's face that the ultrasound specialist was the same doctor from the dreams he had earlier in the month. The specialist took one look at the monitor and shook his head. And that was the moment my world ended. I kept crying, "This isn't happening, this isn't happening." I kept thinking, "Why did they just give up? Why couldn't anything at all be done?"...And I remember my 3-yr old asking, "What's wrong, Mommy?"


Everything else is a blur. The nurses took our other kids out of the room. I was induced and the delivery was TOO quiet. No cries, no excited voices - nothing but silence. Then I held my beautiful, perfect boy. 7 lbs 15.2 ounces and 21 inches long. And all cute. Born on his due date, December 27th, 2008, at 11:59pm.


We thought, with all the kicking he did, that the umbilical cord would be wrapped around his neck...but it wasn't.


I couldn't take my eyes off of him - I wanted to memorize everything about him. The nurses took photos. An amazing photographer came from NILMDTS in the wee hours of the morning and took more photos that I will treasure always.


The nurses and doctors attended his baptism. The people we were going to ask to be godparents were so nice and said they still wanted to be his godparents, even though there wasn't a need.


The pathologist told us that he was a 100% completely healthy baby. His umbilical cord did not get wrapped around him. Rather, it got kinked. He could no longer get blood, oxygen, nourishment. I will forever fear that he thought that I abandoned him; that he felt alone and unloved....Nothing could be further from the truth. I wish I could tell him this and know that he understands.


He was buried next to my dad.





Baby Allen

(Story shared 04/11)







April 19, 2011

My story began back in 1979 when what was thought to be a textbook pregnancy and in the flash of a baby turning became a nightmare. For 12 days there was waiting with no movement, only a heartbeat, then labor, then the birth of a baby with no hope of survival for many days – but that was not God’s plan. God’s plan involved one miracle after another in the hands of surgeons, nurses, technicians, family, and friends. I met the face of loss and hope all in the same day as that’s what I experienced on the birthday of our son.

Flash forward about 4 weeks when my husband and I walked in to see our tiny 3.5 pounder wearing a diaper shirt and booties…my, what a day! Granted that shirt would have held about 3 babies in the NICU, but that was OK. Now you understand my motivation for sewing and crocheting preemie clothes, booties, hats, bibs, blankets, diaper covers, and whatever else I think of or see. Oh, I forgot to list the little tote bag to hold mementos.

Flash forward another 28 years and this very sick preemie with God’s blessing and healing powers is the father of a healthy baby boy weighing-in over double what his daddy weighed!

And yes, that first diaper shirt is more than a keepsake…it’s the motivation for the beginning of many stitches sewn with lots of love and prayers for others. Some become angels and others become mothers and fathers.

In Christ’s Love,

Anne K. Clay


Yes, we prayed and rejoiced with those whose babies improved and we cried and prayed for those whose babies went to Jesus. Often, we were all in the same room at the same time as one baby came back from a successful procedure and another baby was wrapped in a blanket and never came back.




Volunteer: Carrie LaFollette for Now I lay me down to sleep charity Organization http://NILMDTS.org

Question: You work with families in grief, what draws you to this kind of service?

I personally experienced infertility and miscarried my first child. Losing a baby is such a taboo subject. Most people don't want to ask a family experiencing a loss about their baby. Most families at some point are going to want to talk about their child. Giving families a beautiful portrait of their baby that they can share with others is a gift that cannot be taken away. It's proof for them and others that their baby existed and mattered. It allows a family the chance to share a beautiful portrait of their child and tell their story.

Question: Share a story or an experienced that touched you?

Every family I've serviced has touched my heart in many different ways, but one recent session I photographed tugged at my heart especially. Logan was perfect and passed away from the result of a cord incident. He had five siblings, four of which were at the hospital. Logan's older brother who was six years old was apprehensive when he saw me walk into the room, camera in hand. I've never enjoyed looking into the eyes of a little one who is experiencing so much confusion and grief in front of the watchful eye of a stranger. I explained to him what I was doing there and asked his permission to take photos. He watched me as I photographed his parents holding his brother. Then it was his turn to hold brother. He was so brave, proud and holding back tears at the same time. As he handed brother over to an aunt, I could see in his eyes that he wanted to hold his brother again. I handed brother to him again. I whispered into his ear that he was such a good big brother, that his brother thought so too and was smiling at him from heaven. The love this little boy had for his brother was a beautiful thing to witness.

Question: Since working with families in grief what have you learned that you didn't know then, that you do now?

I've learned that all families grieve differently. I've also learned that it's okay to cry with the families, to let them know that you are touched by their loss. I've learned that it's important to take my lead from them.

Question: If there is anything you would like parents in grief know, what would it be?

A support group is a wonderful thing. Talking with other families who have been through similar experiences can help so much. Simply telling your birth experience and your child's story can help through the healing process.


Baby Corban

(Story submitted 04/11 (Our blog has a word limit so you can find the whole story and pictures on her online website listed at bottom of her story) )


Corban our Stillborn Son

This is my journey with the Lord through the birth of my son in 2007....God Bless~~

Thursday, April 19, 2007 It's Alive!!!!!

Well that ought to catch your attention.....I didn't know what else to put here to get you to come read....

Tim got to feel the baby move last night!!! The first time I felt it was on Sunday the 15th this is a full 4 weeks earlier than I have ever felt our babies move before. I didn't think he would be able to feel these little tiny kicks but when I put my hand on my tummy and pressed a little harder I could feel it on the outside so Tim tried and sure enough......he loved it, I think that is one of his favorite parts watching the baby move and being able to feel it inside there.

Anyhow just had to share and of course...get ya'll to hear my music today


Monday, May 7, 2007...A Sad Day For me...

Hi there everyone,

I went to the mid-wife this morning...on a hunch that I had that something was not right....I started feeling the baby move two weeks ago...this was such a blessing as I had never felt our other babies move this early.

I have been a little worried this whole pregnancy...I don't know if it is that mother's instinct or what....

I have not been feeling the baby move as much this last week and it kept getting less and less. I think the last time I felt it was Saturday night. I did the water test this morning...drink the ice cold water and then lay really still, no response.


I was able to drive out to the mid-wife and she was not able to detect a heartbeat, so we went to the college nearby and they did the ultrasound....no heartbeat. Our baby has passed on to be with the Lord.


They did detect fluid around the brain, around the neck and in the stomach...they called this edema(sp?)...this can come either after the baby has died or prior, they were not able to determine at this time which was the case.


The mid-wife seemed to think that if I had felt the baby move 2 days ago that it was a lot of fluid for it to be that soon after dying which would indicate that something was not right for some time....


So, now the waiting game for God to decide when the right time is to bring for this baby into our arms.


If you would just pray for me during this time...the knowing that the baby has passed on to heaven was a confirmation of my instincts....the waiting for the labor and birth, is going to be really hard.....



Tuesday, May 08, 2007 So the journey continues....

So the journey continues and I await to see where God will take me next. Yesterday was an overwhelming emotional day. I teeter-tottered between crying and numbness....

Nesting of a new sort took over in the afternoon. I need to have the house clean now so that when the time arrives to go give birth at the midwifes, whoever comes to watch the children will not see anything out of order......

I have packed up the pregnancy clothes as of yesterday as well, out of site out of mind they are now in the attic. All of the baby clothes are back up as well.

It seems so unfair that a person should have to think about a small box, clothes to put on a baby, a funeral, for a child so small. It is overwhelming and the waves of emotion just flood over you one after another. I can go through periods of functioning normally and carry on conversations as if nothing has happened and then I am suddenly in a whirlpool of emotions that seem unending.

I have no desire to know Why from God, I know that is not why I have been brought through this trial......I know I want to feel his arms around me and his comfort, but more importantly, I want to know How...How can I be used during this time to bless someone else.

This morning in the shower, I pleaded with God to use me somehow today to bless someone else, I don't know how that will be accomplished but I know through Christ anything is possible.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful view out my window (I took a picture but need to upload it later, hubby got the camera for work today)...I have beautiful bright green trees to look at, the Spring growth on them is spectacular

....the sound of the birds in all of our trees singing to each other and sharing God's creation with me.....I was just in awe of God today, this magnificent creator of all things beautiful to give me such a beautiful site to behold after a night of sleep that was obsessed with thoughts of what I am going through.

I asked the Lord to show me all the things I could be thankful for each day throughout this time and it is so wonderful to see how much there is that just relates to this time...

The Lord has blessed me with such wonderful online friends to support and pray for me during this time, I cannot make it without all of you to talk to and share my thoughts with.

The Lord blessed me with a friend who was able to tell me some of what my baby might have had wrong with it...Hydrops Fetalis....it is so comforting to know what might have been going on...it is comforting to know that God knew as well, he knew as he knit this one in my womb what would be it's life here on earth.

The Lord blessed me with such wonderful news this morning to hear of a good friend that just found out yesterday that she is expecting again. Oh how wonderful even in the midst of loss to see God bringing forth new life, it is so encouraging and definitely worth celebrating...it doesn't matter that it is not my womb. I am so not concerned right now with what my due date was to be, it is insignificant in the grander scheme of things.....

I am blessed to know God's timing in that, he sees that I need more time with my youngest son to enjoy this time when he is just a toddler before becoming wrapped in the needs of a new infant...

I am blessed by a wonderful loving husband who as he walked out of the bathroom as I was getting ready this morning...left me with these words...."call me at anytime today honey if you need to talk". I had just been thinking how am I going to get him to open up during this time and share with me his thoughts and emotions.... he had shared last night that he didn't want to deal with it in one respect and here I on the other hand cannot keep myself from thinking about it. I am off now to Hobby Lobby to find a box, to find some fabric, some soft cushiony batting...I want my baby to have the most beautiful resting place for its soft little body.....sigh....these are the moments when I know it is a gift from the Lord as he has granted me the tears that flow unstoppable from my eyes...my cheeks are drenched and saturated with my sorrow...... I will update again later today....thank you for your continued prayers.....

Wednesday, May 09, 2007 The song in the background...so take my basket... Tuesday night

I think this has become my new theme for the next while….Here is my basket, please don’t refuse it…maybe it will grow…..I have to keep my focus on what little I have to offer right now for God to use. If I become completely and totally self absorbed, I cannot be open to God using me to help someone else even in the midst of my own struggles….

I spent yesterday afternoon making a final resting place for this blessing when it arrives. I hope to get some pictures to post. I got the box at Hobby Lobby along with some baby print flannel and batting and then some decorative trim. I cut the foam into pieces to line the sides, bottom and lid. I covered it with the flannel and then before I put all the sides into place, I took lavender flowers and liberally sprinkled them on the back side, so hopefully it will infuse the area with the smell of lavender….I put the ribbon across the inside of the lid section..and then glued it down in a few places to give me a couple of little pockets to stick some memento’s in….I want to include a family photo. And the words to a song that has helped me lately…and just some words of my own…to share….I have no idea what they will be, and to actually think about writing them is too much right now. I had bought a lamb to go in the box as well, every child should have a stuffed animal, yet I think the one I got is too big, I am going looking tomorrow through my toys I have packed away for the children because I know there is a small tiny lamb in there that would be just perfect and soft.

Tim talked to our Pastor tonight to make some arrangements for when our blessing arrives. We will have a ceremony here at our house. We decided to get a special plant to mark our grave site….I could look upon a beautiful continuously growing creation of God’s much easier than a cross.

So much of my afternoon was spent on the box today, I was totally focused on that yet…it was more of a need to get it done, I was so afraid I would not have it done before I needed it….I was able to complete it as much as I did, yet it wasn’t an emotional time, it was a project…I know when it comes time to be used…then it will be really hard.I guess right now, is the fact that I am dealing with the fact that I am carrying around a baby that is not breathing…it seems surreal/unreal in a way…I know it is there, I can’t feel it move….I guess you can never be prepared for when it is time to give birth…you just never know even when it is full term when your time has come….This is the hard part for me…I know the really hard part of this trial is yet to come…not so much just the process of giving birth but facing the reality that this beautiful tiny bundle is already gone to be with Jesus….

Wednesday a.m.

I woke up this morning, early, Haley wanted some water it was about 6:30am….my mind has been awake ever since…instantaneously going to more thoughts about what is to come.I keep thinking about what will be my reaction when I need to drop my children off, will I just become an unstoppable fountain of tear. What will happen with our funeral, will I just completely collapse, will there be anyone from church, is just us and the Pastor, could I handle anyone from church….I play over scenes in my mind of being surrounded by everyone at church just praying for us, and I just see myself totally broken down and crying from the strain.I see myself crying the whole way to the midwife, knowing what is to come but not wanting to handle the end result. Lord, I am so thankful that you are here with me, and know my every thought so that you will know how to comfort me throughout these issues as they arise.

I finished writing the first part of this post last night and just collapsed here on the keyboard in despair. The tears that I had held back earlier in the day just seemed to pour out of me. The magnitude of what I am going through is beyond me. I went to bed exhausted and was instantly asleep once Tim finally came to bed. He read my blog and said it brought tears to his eyes yet shared so well what I was going through.

It sure is a sign of how God creates men and women differently when you go through something as intimate as what we are going through in this tragedy. Here I am the one carrying the baby and have all these issues to deal with…..Tim is my supporter and cannot possibly know the length and breadth of all of my thoughts….his are surrounded by sadness over the loss we have experienced and the difficulty of what is to come.

I laid there in bed this morning staring at the ceiling fan going round and round…it is so easy to lose yourself in that simple act of focusing on the fan…nothing else can intrude as you just let your mind watch one blade going by repeatedly….it would be so nice to not have any thoughts at times.

I have totally lost my appetite, well at least yesterday…a yogurt and a few bites of salmon for dinner…I managed to eat the last three mini peanut butter cups.Through all of these ramblings this morning as I start the day though, there is one thing new…a new day and with that comes God’s mercy and grace to help me through today. May He strengthen you, in His glorious might, with ample power to meet whatever comes with fortitude, patience and joy, and to give thanks to the Father" Colossians 1:9-12 I have been using that scripture as my signature on my email for the last year…maybe two years…could it be any more fitting than right now….and the wonderful thing is…God does strengthen us if we were to just stop and realize that it is Him working behind the scenes to get us through each trial it is not by our ourselves. Today, I am getting bags ready to go for the children and for ourselves….I just don’t want to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off when ever the Lord says..”OK, let’s go”. I am going to try and do cleaning today, my desire to do anything really at this point seems to be gone, but I cannot let apathy get in the way…..I know the Lord will provide me with the joyous thoughts I need and I will be joyous in doing what I need to accomplish this day.

This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Love to you all and God Bless.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007 Mid afternoon on Wednesday....

Hi there Ladies,Thank you for stopping by throughout the day when the Lord puts me on your heart. I have been watching my footprints....it is a huge measure of comfort when your phone does not ring from those closer to home. I know you are out there praying for me and it is so very helpful...do not ever underestimate the power of prayer, I feel it in action.

The Lord has so blessed me this morning to get a great portion of my house just tidied...the paperwork pile on my desk disappeared in no time....the sweeping up of the dining room crumbs....wow, how can children generate soooo many crumbs!! =) I have shined my kitchen sink and removed hot spots of clutter, and was able to get laundry folded and put away.

I did get my children's bag of clothes packed....I seem to be procrastinating on doing mine for some reason....I would like to get the family room dusted and the spare bedroom tidied...at least the bed cleaned off for use if needed.

As I was in the shower this morning just letting the beads of hot water penetrate my soul....I was thinking how much we are tied to this physical world in some aspects....I know that my child has gone to heaven and yet, I can't help wanting to provide it physical things here on earth for it's final resting place...A picture of us, a stuffed animal, an outfit...when in reality, it is already clothed in the most beautiful gown and has so many warm and welcoming arms to hold and comfort it...more than I could ever provide....

I am praying the Lord would hold off today in his timing and that our baby would not be born this afternoon, only because of Tim's work schedule....he has a particular job today and once he gets started it is near impossible to leave and it will last at least 4 hours....it does not start until 3:30 and is a little ways away....I am praying that the Lord would allow this baby to be born on Friday....Tim needs to go to NC next week Monday and Tuesday for an installation....

I have not told my parents yet or Tim's parents what I am going through...I thought it would be just easier to tell them that the baby had been born when the time came....I don't know if I can make it that long without calling my mom....Tim suggested leaning on his parents during this time...they could come up from FL maybe and then his mom could deal with the children and his dad could help Tim out with his heavy work load....he thought though that this might be more stressful for me....for those that don't know, I have had a strained relationship with his mom for the whole time we have been married 6 years... I just don't know if that would help me out...I just don't know what to do...

I have sent out emails to church members and only one person from my small group responded.....the Pastor's wife sent an email and one other lady offered to bring a meal or something....3 people out of a church full no phone calls..aside from the lady from small group who might be able to watch our children....if we don't go into labor over the weekend...they are gone...I feel so outside of my church right now.....really not fitting in there....

The Lord knows my needs and I know he will provide for them when each moment arises....Haley is not feeling well...this is the 3rd day...her intestines are not happy...the Lord knew this though because he had me buy the Applesauce for Tim last week when he had his wisdom teeth pulled and he didn't eat any....Haley has been eating it today...thank you Lord!!!I will post more this evening hopefully...I need to get some supplies from the store for after our baby is born.I wanted to add, the blog has been unlocked for anyone to view anywhere in the world...pass the word around if you know of anyone who is going through a miscarriage, please feel free to share my addy, post it on forums whatever....it could be another way that God could use me to help someone else. Thanks.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007 Wednesday evening...

Well my dear friends and family,Another evening has come...what a blessing today has been from the Lord!! He has given me time to prepare my home and has kept me occupied so that I am not completely absorbed in what is to transpire...

Praises to God I heard from church today. Someone passed on my email to another family and the mom called up and said she could be on call through next Thursday to help us out if we needed her assistance to watch the children. A young lady from our Small group emailed to say she would be on call as well....Praise God for this out flow of help and support. And!...another member from small group stopped by my house!! She was so kind to stay for a while and listen and talk about what I was going through...Thank You Lord for sending these people my way, it has helped me tremendously....

I see you ladies from CMOMB stopping by and I am so thankful to God for putting it on your hearts...I can't put into words how much it means to see people stopping by here to see how I am doing...your presence is lifting me up, giving me strength in addition to that provided by Our Lord....your kind words and IM's are heartfelt and greatly appreciated.

But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! 2 Corinthians 12:9 AMP

Dear Lord, In this storm that will not end without loss, I ask that the strength and power of Christ may rest on me--that it may actually pitch a tent over me and dwell upon me. Amen


Tim completed the job this afternoon in record time praise God!!...these type of installations just never seem to flow smoothly and this one did.


I received this poem below in an email that was totally unrelated to what I am going through today...it was about a lady living with Cancer...the words I thought were so appropriate that I would share them here...


He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;

To added afflictions, He addeth His mercy

To multiplied trials, He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance

When our strength has failed and the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father's full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.


-Annie Johnston FlyntIsn't it just like the Lord to send you nuggets like this in your time of need! Why are we so amazed when these things come our way to make it a little easier in the midst of trial....

I received this poem via IM today.... Can I just say how much these have been HUGE BLESSINGS!! Thank You Lord....

When peace like a river, attendeth my way;

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well...with my soul... It is well, it is well, with my soul...

When peace like a river, attendeth my way;

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well...with my soul... It is well, it is well, with my soul...


I was able to do some research and prepare myself for what to expect with the birth of this baby... Tim and I were able to look at some pictures of babies born with this anomaly... I guess it is better to be prepared than to be shocked.... I am just praying that what I saw on the ultrasound has not transgressed into what I saw in the pictures while it is in waiting in my womb.

My conversations with God seem to be constant right now and perhaps that is ok that I am at least talking to Him if not reading his word.

My mom called today....they are still on their way home from leaving our house on the 16th of April well I told my mom...she was just devastated for us....she offered to fly right back out....they have been on the road since March 21... What a wonderful blessing to have such loving parents... I told my mom no, that I think I will be alright.... I know she wouldn't hesitate to be here tomorrow....

I have made a decision to not have Tim's parents come and he is o.k. with that.... my reason being, I just want the liberty to grieve in my own way... I can still grieve and function for my family... I do not feel I would be able to do that with his mom here..... I actually think that she would be a greater asset for me as a prayer warrior than here in person.... she is such an awesome prayer warrior when the Lord puts it on her heart.

I truly believe the Lord is helping to store up my reserves of strength this last 2 days.... I am going to need it for what is coming and I believe that time to be soon. I think I will be a complete and total basket case if Sunday comes and no birth!

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us--they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5 TLB

Dear Lord, I am determined to know You. What is there about You that You want to teach me in this storm? Give me clarity and discernment when the time is right. Thank you Father God for all you are doing for me each day. Amen.

Love and God Bless for the night~~


(The rest of her blog of her Journey can be found on link below)



I also wanted to mention as a post script, as part of this journey, the Lord laid it upon my heart to start a Chistian grief support group for women who have gone through a stillbirth loss. We have been up and running since 2007 and welcome any lady who wants a chance to talk to other women about the issues she may be dealing with. You can find my forum at: http://www.comfortinheaven.com


Thank you so much for reading along and sharing my journey.


There are some further pictures of my son Corban on my blog here at this link: Pictures of my son Corban





Baby Matthew

(Story Submitted to HAIN Sep 2011)



I had my first LO 11/25/2008.. Healthy, no problems..


Feb of 2009 I got another BFP. A LOT sooner then what we wanted but it happened and we were still excited. We were hoping and praying it was going to be a boy. We decided to not tell anyone. No one had any idea except for my Mom, she knew she was just waiting for me to tell her. It took a while for me to get insurance so I didn't see the Dr till about 19 weeks. I NEVER thought for a second anything could be wrong. I went to the o/b for the first time and he checked the h/b and confirmed the pregnancy. He sent me to the perinatologist cause I am diabetic and considered "high risk", which was no big deal cause I had gone there with my previous pregnancy. He didn't do an u/s since he was sending me to the specialist and they would be the ones to manage my diabetes and handle all of my NST's and U/S. I called them to schedule an appt and they didn't have anything for a couple of weeks, which was no big deal for me since I had already heard the h/b and didn't think anything of it.. I was just excited cause I knew I was going to be far enough to find out the sex.


So I go to get my first ultra sound done, at that point I was about 22-23 weeks. I had to go alone cause my SO was out of town and no one still didn't know.. I was so excited and nervous. I was wondering the whole time I was waiting, is it a boy or is it a girl? I was hoping and praying for a boy! Finally I get called back and the nurse is taking a look at my baby. I see the hands and feet moving. It was so sweet. The tech says shes not sure if they are going to be able to tell me the sex. I remember I was a little disappointed.. So then says she is going to call the Dr to take a look. Still I didn't think anything... So Dr. comes in takes a look and tells me the best news ever.. ITS A BOY! My heart started racing I was so excited!! Still, not thinking anything.. I couldn't wait to tell everyone especially my SO since he really really wanted a boy!!! After the Dr was done he helped me sit up and looked at me and said, "Well, we have a couple of major problems we need to discuss" I said OK?? He said that my son has a encephalocele in the back of his head and is fairly large. I had no idea what this was. He said its a condition with there is a gap in the skull and brain protrudes out. I'm in shock at this point and I don't know what to think... Then he says... Your son also has a Diaphragmatic Hernia. I knew what this was because I have a good friend that has a daughter with this condition. Its where there is a whole in the diaphragm which cause the stomach and intestines to going in the chest. I was so scared and freaked out and didn't really say much. I was just giving him this dead stare like What??? The Dr then said that my son after birth (if he makes it that far) will not survive. I was devastated. He wanted me to speak to the genetics counselor so before I left he made me an appt with her for an hour later.. As soon as I walked out I called my mom and told her.. She had to call my sisters and tell them first I was pregnancy and then what was going on.. they met me right away at the Dr's office for the appt with the Genetics counselor. My S/O was out of town and was not able to speak to him. So when we go to speak to the counselor shes just asking the family history, still I'm just sitting there not really understanding what was happening. My sisters ask her so what can we do. She says that there was a decision I had to make... and SOON. Will/CAN I continue with the pregnancy, or terminate it??? At that point I didn't even know what to think anymore. I was just devastated and crying. .


We finally left the Dr and I was finally able to talk to my SO. I told him that I didn't know if I could continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to survive. I didn't know if I would be able to handle people being excited and seeing me pregnant and asking questions and having to explain whats going to happen. I knew it was going to be to hard. BUT I also didn't know if I could handle just ending the pregnancy. I didn't know what to do but I had to make a decision FAST. My o/b was out of town on vacation at the time but I was able to speak to the nurse. I had to even see if stopping the pregnancy was even an option seeing how I was already at that time about 23 wks. She was able to get a hold of him and explain to him the situation and he agreed to stop it b/c of the severity of it all. After speaking to the nurse and explaining to me the process and speaking with my family we decided that not going full term was best for us. That was on a Tues, by Friday July 31st, 2009.. I was getting admitted to hospital to get induced. I remember being so upset and thinking how different it was from the first time and how my whole family was there so happy and excited.. And now this time I only had my 2 sisters and s/o there with me. They started me on pitocin and started my labor. They gave me an epidural for the pain. It only took a few hours.. I remember feeling movement inside of me down there, it felt like something was coming out and I was so scared.. I remember telling my sisters that I felt like I needed to push but I tried holing him in while they called the nurse. I couldn't hold it anymore and I felt something come out.. I couldn't look.. My sister pulled up the sheet and she said its him.. We just started crying. The Dr came in right away and they took him to examine him.. He was already dead. They said he passed away in the canal. To this day I regret holding it in and not pushing.... I think if I would have just pushed maybe I would have had a few minutes with him.. I know that movement I felt was him fighting..


When they brought him over to me he was still warm.. They said the hole was bigger then they expected and it went from nearly the top of his head to the bottom of his neck.. His brain was hanging out.. everything else looked normal. He was perfect.. he had perfect little feet, perfect little hands, the cutest little face. He was 1 lb 9 oz and 9 inches long.


We named him Matthew Ryan and the Priest at the hospital came in and baptized him.. A week later we had a memorial for him and buried him in the cemetery with all the other angel babies.. He was buried in his little hat and that was made for him from heavenlyangelsinneed.com.. The bracelet they made with his name still hangs in my living room to remind me of him.


It kills me.. I always think about all the "what if's" and what it could have been like... I was going to have my pair.


I got another BFP 12/2010. I remember we went and bought a test and we went home and I took it and it was positive. I remember I just cried, I was so scared and happy at the same time. I just prayed nothing would go wrong. This time I had insurance and I went to the Dr at 10 wks.. He did an u/s right away and then another at 12 wks.. everything looked good then he sent me back to the specialist.. At 16wks they did another u/s and everything still looked fine and they told me it was a GIRL. Even though we didn't get the boy we wanted we were just relieved that she was OK. We named her Layla Ryann, Ryann after her big brother


May our little Angel RIP. I will forever think of you and will miss you till the day we meet again.




(HAIN Newsletter Article Sep 2005)



AUGUST 19, 2005


















Baby Ethan

(HAIN Newsletter Article Oct 2009 -Pictures with permission of Parents..pictures taken by Now I lay me Down to Sleep charity Org http://NILMDTS.org )





On July 9th, 2007, we found out that we were expecting a little miracle. With a history of a miscarriage the prior September I was very cautious and tried not to get too excited until we knew things were great.


I started bleeding several times in the first month or so and decided to quit working out with my personal trainer just to be cautious. We had several appointments in the beginning and I started losing hope. At my first ultrasound they said the sac was measuring small, so they had me come in for another ultrasound in a few weeks. When I went back for the second one, the sac grew but the baby want. I was sure this was a doomed pregnancy. But with all the prayer and good thoughts from other people this little one proved they were staying.


In August I found out my little sister was expecting as well and later found out we were due one day apart.


In October we found out we were both expecting little boys. We had a name picked out for him already. He was already part of our family. It was exciting and we were more than up for the challenge that three boys would bring

The rest of the pregnancy proved to be uneventful. I threw up a few times but nothing major and I had horrible heartburn but that’s the extent of it.


At 27 weeks we did a 3D ultrasound and watched our little boy dance on the screen. He smiled, grabbed his cord, frowned. It was amazing and we could tell he already looked like our oldest. He was full of so much personality and spunk, and yet he had never had any experiences outside the womb.


Through Christmas and January we tore down walls and from the floor up built a room for our little man. We were so excited for his upcoming arrival.


On January 26th, 2008, my sister and mom threw a baby shower, lots of people came showering gifts for little Ethan.


Then on February 12th 2008 (I was 34 weeks 3 days)something didn't feel right so I called my husband, and told him Ethan hadn't been moving since the night before and I was worried and waiting on a phone call from the doctor, he told me everything would be okay and that he was probably just sleeping. I laid down and drank some orange juice and ate something sweet in hopes he would kick. After ten minutes I couldn't take it any more I wanted to go in. I was hoping if I caught it fast enough they would be able to fix whatever was wrong.


All the way to the hospital I held my swollen belly praying and wishing he would kick. But then at that same moment I was so scared if he kicked Id be imaging it and if he was gone Id be even more of a wreck.




I got a call back from the doctors telling me to come in even though they weren't open. So we headed in when I got there they hooked me up to the non stress test machine. She couldn't find his heartbeat and I lost it I started crying and freaking out. She kept telling me not to worry she can’t always find it. So she left the room and came back in with a Doppler, again no such luck at that point I was hysterical. They didn't have to really say anything I knew in my heart something was wrong.

She brought in the doctor who told me to follow her. They were going to get the ultrasound. So we followed her to the room and I laid down.

I went back into the room I had been in just the week prior where I heard my sons heartbeat.


She started but the screen wasn't facing us and she didn't say a word until we heard "Ill be back I need to get Dr. Jacobson.” I knew just then my worst fears had come true.

He came in and applied the wand to my belly and with that I heard words I will never forget. "Im so sorry we don’t see any cardiac activity."



So they sent me to the ultrasound tech who performed more images and said it looked like it had happened recently since the dates were all accurate. She said everything looked very normal from what she could tell. She hugged us and told me next time she would make sure this didn't happen. We got two pictures of Ethan at that time. And up until recently I was so happy we got those. But now I realize those are pictures of my dead son inside my womb which is the end was his tomb.


Then off to have 15 or more tubes of blood drawn. We were told we would know in two weeks if those tests showed anything at all.


So then we were faced with when to be induced as if this all wasn't hard enough I had to deliver my dead child and endure all the emotional and physical pain as well. It just didn't seem right or fair. It was so hard to understand at the time.

Just moments before my mother had been taken in the hospital for a hysterectomy. I couldn't even talk to her. I called my grandmother who just screamed over the phone. All the pain I felt everyone around me was feeling to some sort of extent. I called my sister who was due the same time as me, and my friend. It’s all I had other than my husband who was in a huge state of shock as well. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't really even talk. I was crying so hard.

Walking out of the room into a room filled with pregnant women. All I wanted to do was scream. Scream for the emotions running wildly through my body.




We got to the hospital around 6pm on the 12th, shortly after they placed some kind of pill in my cervix to help me dilate more and help things along. Once that thing was placed, it didn't take long my contractions were every 2-5 minutes and lasted a few. I didn't want to get the epidural I think a part of me was in denial at that point and also scared as hell. I wanted to feel the pain because to this point I felt like I was in a bad dream.


I finally decided to get it because the pain was intense. I got it around 9pm. The epidural made me itch like crazy so I was given benedryl to help with it. I tried to dose off and on and somehow from complete exhaustion and drugs I managed to.

I was so mad that we had to pay for a funeral. Who plans a funeral while sitting in a hospital bed waiting to give birth? Instead of getting handed a packet of new baby stuff and birth certificate information. I got handed a packet on grieving and funeral homes. I was pissed I had to call these places and say "my son died and I will be delivering him today I need prices and to know how to go about this,” "can you pick my son up from the hospital?".


Around 8:00 a.m. I woke up to a weird feeling. I pulled the sheets down and there was tons of blood, I freaked and we called the doctors in. They said it looked like my water broke and it was ok. So they did an exam and I was 7cm 100% -1 station, with a bulging bag of water so she broke it the rest of the way. I think after that she realized the amount of blood was not right. She told us it looked like my the placenta had become detached. Iv never even after two prior kids have seen so much blood in my life.


Everything after this moves really fast. That all happened at 8am. Somewhere between there and 830 I felt another weird feeling. So she came back in and told me that I was passing clots of my placenta. Then about 5-10 minutes later I felt him start to crown. They kept telling me to breathe through it and not push the doctor wasn't there. I tried to tell them he was coming regardless, so the nurse put her hand there to kinda keep him in. The doctor got there and put on her gloves and I started freaking out crying that I couldn't and didn't want to do this. Ill take that back I was not just freaking out I was hysterical and screaming. I fully remember telling them I couldn't do it I didn't want to. One of the hardest things Iv had to go through I knew what the outcome would be and didn't want to have to endure it. My grandmother put my mom on the phone and I couldn't even talk to her and through all of my tears and extreme pain I heard my mother’s tears and cries. She couldn't be there. She had not missed a birth yet. And the one time I needed her, beyond her will she couldn't be.


At 8:47am with one push little Ethan Charles Donaldson made his appearance as well as his exit out of this world. He was 5lbs 3oz and we didn't get a length which of course is one of my regrets. He had the most beautiful dark hair that none of our other boys had other than fuzz. He was so perfect there was nothing about him that wasn't. He had ten fingers and ten toes, the perfect little lips and round head. He should have lived. He was so little it was hard to believe.


We were lucky enough to have heard about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. And a wonder man came and took the most beautiful pictures of my son. Memories we will forever have now. These verify to us and others that he existed. They are not morbid pictures in fact he looks like a perfectly sleeping baby. These pictures help me heal.


My grandmother and mother-in-law were able to be there and hold Ethan after the birth. Later family and friends stopped by to see him as well.





Thank you,






When our daughter was eight months old we rushed her to the emergency room at our local hospital. Kori had been running a fever for the past three days and today was no different except her fever was 103 degrees. Do you take the chance and give her medication that could possibly end her life?

Once inside the doors we went straight to the front desk and let them know what was wrong. After filling out the mounds of paperwork that they needed, we finally were taken into a room to see the doctor on call. The doctor drew blood from Kori while she was kicking and crying and had it sent to the lab. The doctor figured she just had a cold or the flu. The doctor gave Kori some Ibuprofen and the nurses put cold wet blankets around her to help bring her temperature down. After about two hours her temperature did come back down to normal. We were sent home with some antibiotics and ibuprofen.

At 6:00 a.m. the alarm clock went off. I climbed out of bed realizing Kori did not wake up for her 2:00 a.m. feeding. This did not alarm me because she sometimes did sleep through the night. I went to her room and walked over to her crib, she was still sleeping. I reached down and gave her a kiss and her temperature felt normal so I decide to let her sleep. After all she had been sick and her body was probably tired.

I heard some noises coming from the baby’s crib so I went to check on her. Kori was reaching for a stuffed animal. When she seen me she gave me a big grin. I changed Kori then I took her into the front room to feed her. She ate like she was starving. Kori seemed to be getting over her cold. I was thankful. After playing with her for awhile she started acting like she was tired. I put her back into the crib for a nap.

While kori was napping I got her things ready so we could go visit my mom when she woke up. We arrived at my mom’s house about noon. She was relieved to see Kori was feeling better. While we were at my moms house all Kori did was sleep. About three o clock my mom went in to check on her. She hollered at me to get the thermometer and bring it to her. Kori was again burning up. We took her temperature and it was 105. I called my husband and asked him to meet me at the hospital. Starting to really worry and not trying to panic I grabbed Kori and took her to the emergency room.

Once inside the doors, again we went to the front desk. We told the nurse there that our daughter was sick and had a fever of 105. The nurse looked right at us and told us that was not possible because the baby would be dead. She told us we did not know what we were talking about. I told her that we had the baby in here last night for the same reason and asked her to pull Kori’s chart and look. The nurse told me she did not need to check the babies’ chart there was no way she had a fever of 105. I then asked her if she would take Kori’s temperature her self and the nurse said she would when she had time. By this time my husband and I were upset and frustrated. Kori’s Doctor’s office was across the road so my husband ran over there hoping the doctor was still in the office.

Dr Wright was in his office and as soon as my husband told him what was happening in the emergency room, they both came running through the door. By that time I was crying along with still arguing with the nurse. Dr Wright grabbed Kori from my arms, asked the nurse “What the hell she thought she was doing” and went down the hall to a room. The first thing the Doctor did was take Kori’s temperature it was now 106, he went and got the nurse and told her to take Kori’s temperature as he drew blood from her tiny leg. He then asked the nurse what the babies’ temperature was, she told him it read 106 that there had to be a mistake. The doctor told her the only mistake was that she was working at the hospital and she was now fired to go home and do not ask for a referral from him.

That night Kori was admitted to the hospital. The doctor had no clue what was wrong. Kori had at least 4 different tests ran on her every day. A week later Kori was still in the hospital. She no longer opened her eyes, moved or even cried. She had four different IV’s in her, two in the top of her head and one in each of her feet. No one knew what was wrong with her or what to do to help her. All I could do was cry and keep praying.

One month later Kori was still in the hospital. She had not gotten any better, she just kept deteriorating. Dr Wright came into Kori’s room and said he needed to talk to us. The doctor told us he did not expect Kori to live any longer then 24 hours. He had run the last test he could think of that morning, but he would not have the results for two weeks. Dr Wright told us he was 100% positive that Kori would no longer be alive when the results came back.

Doctor Wright told us there was one more treatment that we could try. Legally he could not recommend us to try it, but he was aloud to tell us about the treatment. If we did decide to try the treatment he had to have our permission in writing with our signatures notarized. Now when a medical professional tells you this you know what he is about to say is going to be dangerous.

The treatment was to give Kori a dose of medicine that they would only consider giving to a male over 35 years of age that weighed 250 pounds or more. Kori who was only ten months old and if she was lucky might weigh 17 pounds, not to mention she is female. Kori definitely did not come close to matching any of the requirements. If we did decide to give the medication to Kori it would either cure what was wrong with her or it would kill her with in 24 hours.

Most people would think this would be a hard decision but if people would look at the facts, they would see there was no decision to be made. The Doctor had already told us he gave Kori only 24 hours to live. The medication could kill her with in 24 hours or it could cure her. Either way she was only given 24 hours to live.

We signed and notarized every piece of paper the hospital was requiring from us. As soon as all that was done my husband and I went into Kori’s room with the Doctor. The doctor then slowly injected the medication into one of Kori’s IV’s. When he was done he told us we would see results in 24 hours. The Doctor left the room and we stood there with tears in our eyes praying.

Kori was still alive 24 hours later. She looked the same as she did 24 hours earlier. Her Doctor comes in and told us that the fact that she was alive was a very good sign. 48 hours later Kori had opened her eyes; 15 minutes later she looked at me and cried. As each minute went by she kept returning to her normal self.

Two weeks later we were getting ready to leave the hospital to take our healthy little girl back home with us. The doctor came in to say good bye and told us the results from the last test that was ran. Kori had the virus that causes spinal meningitis.

Did we take a chance with our daughter’s life? With the information given to us no we did not; however we did take the only option that was given to us to save her life. Twenty-one years later Kori is still happy and healthy. Kori never had any complications from the treatment or the virus.


(Oct 2007 HAIN Newsletter Article)



In Loving Memory of

Challing Eugene Albert LeBlanc

~~~~April 11,1997~~June 02,2001~~~~

Challing LeBlanc was born a healthy baby boy on April 11,1997. He was a welcome delight to his family. He was a very active little boy from the begining of his mom's preganacy to his 4 memorable years.He was a very loving child. He was also a smart but demanding boy. I (mom) let Challing do almost whatever Challing wanted to do under supervision. He taught me how to cast a fishing rod correctly. He loved swimming, boating,fishing,being at his treehouse overlooking beautiful Lake Maurepas, help building bonfires and overall normal boy fun. Challing was killed in a boating accident at the young age of only 4 years old. His Dad and he had went to the summer bash in Lake Maurepas on June 02,2001.Challing had a great time and even met a little girl named Robin whom he shared his candy with (that was very unlike him).They had played very well together that day. Another thing that had happened that day was he told his Nanny Abby was: Bye Nanny,I love you. He had never said "nanny" and "I love you" in the same sentence. On their way home a larger boat flew past them and made a large wake which threw his dad out of the boat. His dad was not wearing his kill switch at the time. Normally he always wore his kill switch.When his dad fell out he grabbed the steering wheel and the boat then went in circles. I'm not sure but I feel in my heart that Challing had leaned over to look for his dad when he fell out.With the boat going in circles, Challing was hit with the prop several times, he didn't have a chance,but he was wearing his life jacket. It took about 5 hours for the Coast Guard to locate him. His dad survived and was rescued by a passing boat.

Challing is survived,loved and missed by his Mom,Dad,brother Channing and twin sisters Channie & Chassie


If anything good is to come out of Challing's death , I would like boating safety to be a priority especially the awareness of using the kill switch and boaters watching out for each other. Don't forget to use the proper floatation device. Please consider taking a Boating Safety Course. It is mandatory for anyone 18 years old and younger.

It could help save a life!

Thank You,Liz




Baby Sparky

(HAIN Newsletter Article Oct 2007)



Sparky (Harrison Cates Withers IV) arrived on March 4, 2007 at 2:31 am in Grand Rapids, MI. He delivered through a cerclage and came out in his sac during a spontaneous natural breech birth in an elevator between the high risk pregnancy long term unit and the labor and delivery unit. Mag Sulfate, Procardia, Indocin.... none of those meds would stop him from forcing his way out during a full moon and partial eclipse. (Later we'll find that mommy's placenta had a few major infections and she had chorioamnionitis and funisitis -- probably due to the cerclage that was put in to keep her cervix closed tightly.)


He was 23 weeks, 1 day gestation and weighed 1 lb 9 oz and was 11.8 inches long.


When my son was born into this world, I knew he had a long road ahead. Being a reasonably intelligent person who has read a bit on the subject and watched every Discovery Health program in the world, I understood what challenges he would face and why. I suppose knowing what I did, the "safe" thing to do would have been to keep it low key, tell only who needed to know until he was closer to being able to come home. However, the story didn't start on March 4th; it started much earlier than that.


Three years ago when we started trying to have a family, I figured we would be fairly typical of couples. What I didn't know was that there was no such thing as typical. It seems like the vast majority of people I have met in this journey have a story to tell. Julianne and I have developed our own story through pharmacologically-induced mood swings, uncomfortable fertility testing, urinating on test strips, herbal supplements, and acupuncture. We adapted our schedules and desire to coincide with a thermometer; I did so gladly in the hopes that one day, we would have someone else to love other than each other.


When we found out we were pregnant back in October, to say we were cautiously optimistic would be fair. "Safe" was definitely the path we took. Things were progressing nicely, but there were some bumps in the road even then. More pharmacology, a hospital stay, and a surgical procedure only added to our optimism. Almost weekly ultrasounds gave us all the evidence that we needed to know our child was developing normally and had no outward disabilities. Ultrasound technology is so good now that we knew he was a boy at 13 weeks.


Julianne started bed rest on January 10th at 15 weeks. She was allowed to get up to go to the bathroom, but not much else. No restaurants or even trips to the grocery store. We came to refer to our weekly trips to the doctor as our "European vacations" as leaving the house had the same air of anticipation and excitement. I put everything I had into care for Julianne and the baby. Maybe there was one or two evenings I went to play hockey or helped coach the little kids, but by far and large, we did everything to keep that baby in utero. We even had the foot of the bed higher than the head to keep her in a mild state of traction. Again, we did so with good humor and the sarcastic wit we both share.


We tracked how many weeks along she was by marking the passing of each Saturday. We treated every weekend with reverence knowing that milestone brought us one week closer to the ultimate of our heart's desires.


Despite our best efforts and weekly celebration, the amount of cervix holding the baby in was steadily decreasing. A plan was made that she would be admitted to the hospital on February 22nd where she would remain until delivery in June. While February to June seemed like an eternity to be hospitalized, we were under no delusion that we would last that long. The baby was coming early, the question was how early. At first, we set the goal for 36 weeks, those estimates got a little more realistic as the days past. In the end we thought the best we could hope for was 29 weeks and the worst case scenario was 24. We didn't even make it that far.


Julianne had started contractions on March 1st. They were sporadic and the doctors were able to stop them with some heavy-duty medication that made her far more miserable than the contractions did. She sweated uncontrollably with the thermostat in her room set at 50. Ice packs and ice-water soaked wash cloths were the best we could do. Still we celebrated the following Saturday in our quiet way, to mark the passing of her 22nd week.


It proved to be a temporary respite as the contractions resumed with fervor on March 3rd. This time, no amount of medication could stop it, not even the stitch that held her cervix closed could hold her body's desire to eject the little boy she carried.


She was so miserable that night as they tried to calm her down and stop her contractions. I was Johnny-on-the-spot with freezing ice-cold cloths. At one point, it was decided that they weren't going to stop this, and they should move her downstairs and remove her stitch in the morning. About that moment, her body started giving out. Her oxygen levels dropped and it looked as if (and felt to her like) she was going to pass out. And so began the tale of the elevators. The short version is that the hospital bed didn't fit in the first elevator, and Sparky's feet came out as we banged in and out of the first elevator, the arms were out by the time we got to the larger bank of elevators. 23 weeks, and since it was after midnight, one day was all we could manage. Just 26 hours into his window of viability.


I don't think either of us thought our little boy lived through the delivery. Not until we heard a small cry did we think anything but the worst. The room was filled with doctors and nurses. And after a few minutes a doctor pulled me aside to see my ventilated, but very much living little boy. Still the next few hours flew by and we both thought the worst as no one seemed to have any updates for us beside that "they were still working on him".


About 4am, they took us to see him. As cloudy as that memory is, I remember the nurse asking if he had a name, without hesitation, I said "Harrison". Julianne was a little concerned at first to give our very premature son a family name with such history, but in my mind, at the point of seeing him there alive, there was no doubt whatsoever that he was my first born male child. Through his fight and determination, he earned that name. My heart became so full with my little boy.


At this point "safe" wasn't an option or even a consideration, again I was conscious of the emotional risk but it was far overshadowed by my joy. I let the world know,


I am a father, and Harrison Cates Withers IV is my son.


The doctors warned us about the "honeymoon" phase, that babies generally had a few days before problems started. But as a few days past, I became more and more hopeful. He was vibrant. He responded to our touch and loved to hold onto a finger even though he couldn't even get close to reaching all the way around even my smallest finger. He loved to be contained with a hand on his head and another on his feet. We would scrunch him up into a little ball and he would sleep.


The first week passed in a blur, we allowed ourselves to look forward to the day he would open his eyes, usually around the 25th week. We sang songs, one day, I sang Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues because it was the only song I could remember the words to at the time. I took pictures and video, I became "that guy" in the NICU.


For 7 wonderful days we loved like we have never loved before. We celebrated his one-week birthday, again with a quiet acknowledgement between his mother and I. But by the end of the 7th day, between the time we left at 10 pm and midnight, things had turned for the worse.


He was so fragile at his young age, I think we forgot that sometimes as he amazed us with his strong grip and powerful little calves.


I've heard people talk about parents burying their children, and always attributed that misery to a child that had lived long enough to form life experiences and memories through a matter of years. I've come to understand that cliché applies at 8 days as well as a lifetime.


I realize that very few people got the chance to meet him, and that the heartfelt sympathy so many have expressed to us is through the proxy of knowing his mother and I. But still the same, thank you for allowing us to not be "safe" and share the joy of our son with you, so that he can live on more hearts and memories than just his parent's. Thank you for carrying our experience and memories in your hearts so that he can be remembered for a greater sum than the 8 days he was with us. Thank you.


Harrison Cates Withers III



Baby Jonah

(HAIN Newsletter Article Oct 2006)




I have always wanted children for as long as I can remember.

After having one of my ovaries removed when I was 18 and being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, I was told that my chances of ever becoming pregnant weren’t very good. Even with fertility treatment there were no guarantees. I never stopped hoping and praying that someday I would get to be a mother.

On October 31, 2004 I found out I was pregnant. Finding out I was pregnant was such a wonderful surprise, and the miracle I had been praying for. From that moment I loved my baby; my dreams of becoming a mother were coming true.

I really enjoyed being pregnant and everything seemed to be going well. The morning of February 23, 2005 I woke up with light cramping. At first I thought it was just something I ate, but as time went by the cramping started to get worse. I became very worried because I thought I could be going into premature labor. I had remembered the signs from something I had read. I went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding and became very panicked. I was only 22 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy. I called for my mom to take me to the hospital. I knew something was terribly wrong but I wanted so badly to believe my baby boy was going to be ok. My mom drove me to the hospital. On the way there I started to cry; I had never been so afraid. How could I go on if something happened to my baby? We arrived at the hospital at 7:00 AM. The nurses acted completely unconcerned. More than an hour went by, and they still had done nothing. When they finally put a monitor on me, Jonah’s heart rate was strong. More time went by before they checked on me. When the nurse finally checked me she found that I was in labor and I was 2 cm dilated. When the nurse came in again, despite my asking them not to give me anything that could hurt the health of my baby, I was given morphine. For the first time, a doctor came into the room. My personal physician had still not arrived. Without even examining me, the doctor told me that there was nothing to be done and my baby was going to die. At that point I completely broke down. I begged them to try anything, knowing there were ways to stop or slow down labor. Why wouldn’t they try something to help give my baby a better chance to survive?

I didn’t have a name picked out but I had to give my baby boy a name while he was still alive inside me. I picked Jonah; it was one of the names Adam and I had thought about.

When I began to start pushing I wasn’t fully dilated but I didn’t know that at the time. Jonah was coming out breach. His head and one of his shoulders got stuck. Jonah was dying and I, his mother, couldn’t do anything to help him. I have never felt so helpless. That’s when we lost him along with all of our dreams for him and us. Jonah was kicking and moving around up until just minutes before he died.

The doctor and nurses had all left the room. After Jonah had been stuck for about 30 minutes, I felt movement so I yelled for Adam and my mom. My mom delivered Jonah. He was born silently at 11:33 AM on February 23, 2005, weighing 1 lb. 2.7 oz. and 12.5 in. long. I still don’t know why all this happened the way it did, but I feel if we had had private insurance instead of the state insurance we did have, we probably would have been treated differently.


Being with Jonah for that day holding him, rocking him, looking into his perfect little face and being able to kiss him and tell him how much I love him and how much I was going to miss him was a precious time for me. That time I spent with Jonah is full of my most precious memories and also my most painful. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was hand Jonah away knowing that would be the last time I would ever get to hold him in my arms. I will always hold Jonah in my heart and I will never forget that very short, precious time I got to spend with him. Jonah Everett, my forever firstborn, will always be a part of me. There won’t be a day that goes by that I won’t think about him and our dreams


If you have any questions or comments, please send them to my2memories23@gmail.com.


Baby Ava

(HAIN Newsletter Article July 2007 issue)



Here is the story of Ava Carmella, my beautiful angel who was born sleeping on March 23rd 2006:


Ava came as a surprise to my fiance and I. We are high school sweethearts who have been together for 8 years. We bought our first house a year ago and were working on fixing it up when we found out I was expecting. We were so happy and immediately started preparing for our baby. My pregnancy was perfect. I’m 23 and very healthy, no morning sickness, no high blood pressure, nothing! We had our first ultrasound on November 11th. I knew that it was a girl the whole time. Andrew wanted a boy so bad. The ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the sex. I said, " I already know it’s a girl." She said, " Honey you’re right, it’s a girl!" Andrew’s face was so funny. It was a mix of confusion and excitement all in one. He asked her to check again!!


The next 8 months were spent getting ready for our daughter. We watched as my belly grew. Ava was always active, kicking me in my ribs until it ached! Andrew spent every waking minute getting her room ready for her. He wanted it to be perfect and it was. Our families were so excited to have a little girl running around! She was one spoiled baby! Andrews friends teased him about having a girl. They joked that he wouldn’t know what to do with a girl. At first he agreed with them, but as time went by he got used to the idea of a girl. I would talk to her on my way to work and played music for her, because Andy said that he wanted her to enjoy music like he does. The first time I really felt her kick hard was the beginning of November when they started playing Christmas music. I called Andy to tell him that she did like music! We had such big plans for Ava. We would take her to camp, go hiking in the mountains, have cookouts at Auntie Amy’s house, and watch her play with her cousin Arthur! Our family had a surprise baby shower for us on Sunday March 19th. It was so beautiful and made it feel so real. We brought home so much stuff that I didn’t know what to do with it all! I spent the next two days setting up her room, putting away her clothes and putting everything together. I was so excited I hardly slept!


Everything changed when I went in on Wednesday March 22nd for my 37 week appointment. I told them that I hadn’t really felt Ava move the day before, but that I was working all day and spent the night working in her room so I thought that I just hadn’t noticed it. They went through the normal procedures and everything was fine until my midwife checked her heartbeat. She couldn't find it and suggested an ultrasound. I knew then that something was wrong. I felt frozen, like I couldn’t react. I was immediately given an ultrasound and they told me that there was no heartbeat. I had lost our little girl. At first I couldn’t cry. Then it hit me and I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.


I couldn't even make the phone call to Andrew. How could I tell him that his baby girl was gone? The midwife called and told him. He was at work a ½ hour away so she called my mom to come be with me. The next hour is a blur to me. I was taken up to labor and delivery where Andrew was waiting and that is when I cracked. I have never felt so much emotional pain in my life. I was brought to a room and induced that same afternoon. I ended up with severe preeclampsia and toxemia and was given medications that made me so drowsy that I remember very little about the next few days. The doctor told Andrew that I was very sick. My liver and kidneys were shutting down and my platelet counts were way too low. He was so afraid that he would lose both of his girls. All I know is that I didn't want to deliver her. I wanted to keep her with me forever. I thought that if I just kept her in that everything would be ok. Knowing that I would go through all of this pain just to have my baby taken from me was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Andrew was my rock through the whole thing. He was so strong in front of me and kept me going in spite of it all. He loved Ava so much and it was so hard for him to watch, but he did and he gave me the strength to go on.


I delivered Ava on Thursday March 23rd at 7:44pm. She was 4 pounds 11 ounces and 17 ½ inches long. She was perfect in every way. She had dark wavy hair, brown eyes, pouty little lips and her fathers very distinct chin. She even had my long skinny fingers! I kept waiting for her to cry, but she never did. Andrew gave her a bath and dressed her in a gown and hat. We had Ava baptized at 11:30 that night. When we finally let the nurse take her away I remember thinking that my life was over, that I would never be happy or feel love for anyone again. They sent us home with a box containing her gown, hat, hospital bracelet, blanket, pictures, and footprints. I look through her memory box and at her pictures everyday.


We had a beautiful ceremony and buried our daughter on Wednesday March 29th. The funeral home had two rooms full of people there to show their love and support to Andrew, Ava and I. At the cemetery Andrew read the eulogy he wrote for Ava. I felt so proud to be standing next to him as he read. He loved Ava so much and he wanted so bad to be a good father to her. I know that she was smiling down at him as he read. I feel better knowing that she is somewhere I can go everyday and sit and talk to her. I tell her how much we love her and how badly we wanted her. I tell her that I’m sorry this happened to her. It aches and it rips me apart every time I leave her. I just want to bring her home with me like mothers are supposed to bring their babies home. It is so hard being pregnant for 9 months and then going home empty and without your baby. Now we go home everyday and look at her room and cry. We don’t want to take it all out because it would leave such an empty spot not only in our home, but in our hearts as well. I find it comforting to look at her pictures and hold the blanket she was wrapped in. It helps to talk about her and show people the little memories we have of her. I can’t help but smile when I see her picture, because she was so beautiful. Someday we will tell our future children about their angel sister Ava. We will explain that she is in heaven and she smiles down on us all the time. She was with us for such a short time, but her memory will be with us forever!

Ava's website: www.ava-anastas.virtual-memorials.com




Baby Levi

(HAIN Newsletter Article July 2009)

Years ago, 1967 to be exact, I was a 15 yr old old teenager that thought she was grown up and knew everything. Well I guess I really didn’t because I got myself pregnant. My Mom was so angry and disappointed with me that she wouldn’t even speak to me. At the time I wasn’t happy about it, and the boy that had gotten me pg wasn’t interested in becoming a father. So there I was stuck, as I thought at the time. One month went into 2 then 3 then 4. I was beginning to show and I thought had felt movement. My Mom at this point had not even taken me to the doctor and being only 15 I didn’t realize that is what I needed to do. One night in the middle of the night I awoke to the most excusiating pain I had ever felt. I woke my Mom up and told her and she said it will all be over soon to just go back to bed. A couple of hours later, I passed my tiny baby in the bucket that we had for bathroom at night because we didn’t have indoor plumbing. This happened 2 days before my 16th birthday. So now I am not pregnant anymore and I am thinking I am out of trouble. In the years that followed, I got married and gave birth to 5 healthy babies, and I have to admit there was times I thought about the baby I had lost but not a lot. Now I am a grandmother and a great grandmother and I have came to realize through the years how much I miss that poor tiny little baby. I joined HAIN and since then I have even named my little baby, his name is Levi and I pray that there will be a day that God will let me hold that tiny bundle in my arms. It took me years to truly realize what I had lost that night, and I pray that God will forgive me and let me know that precious little boy when I go home. Hain has been such a help to me, and anyone that needs love, compassion, understanding, and just needs someone to know how you feel then this is the place for you to be. Please don’t be like me and realize to late what you had lost. I cant help but wonder what kind of son, brother, husband, and father he would have been,one I would have been proud of I am sure! May God and Levi forgive me!

(Sharon Milburn)


Baby Brody

(from article HAIN Newsletter July 2006 issue)

May 27th, 2005- I went to work just like always. I had a good day. A patient of mine commented on how I needed to quit eating, I was "blossoming" too quickly. I came home and baked cookies for the family reunion that is always held memorial day weekend. I had been OH SO TIRED all day, and went to bed to rest and crashed. I woke up at 11 pm...something is wrong...I just feel like something is wrong. I get my doppler out to listen to Brody. Hmm...no heartbeat. I look for an hour...Chris is not home yet...where is he??? I call him, he is on his way home from work...I tell him I can't get a heart beat. He tells me to keep trying. I go drink orange juice...maybe he is hiding behind my placenta, and I just need to get him to move. Still, no heartbeat. I called the OB on call. She says to come to the hospital. I called Chris...he told me to be ready when he got there. I woke Michaela up and got her dressed. Got her a pillow and a blanket. It was 1am...we drove the 20 miles to the hospital in silence. Chris was crying, I was praying that I just had bad technique...that my doppler was defective, that my baby was okay.

We got to the hospital and checked in. The physician assistant came in to look for a heartbeat. She bruised me looking for it. Nope, no luck. They started an IV and drew blood. We waited for an u/s, and we waited, and we waited. At 3:45 the tech finally comes with the machine. She actually let us LOOK at the screen. As soon as she put the probe to my belly, there he was. His arms were across his chest. There was no movement. The heart wasn't beating. The u/s tech said nothing...Chris kicked the trashcan, punched the door, and ran out of the room. Michaela started crying...I don't remember what I did. The u/s tech asked me if I wanted her to stop. I told her no. I wanted her to let me see EVERYTHING. I wanted to see his profile, his arms, his legs, his EVERYTHING. So, she took all the measurements while being very caring.

Chris came back in the room. I told him to take Michaela to my Nana's. He leaves... Then the doctor came in. Same doctor that told me my first twin was gone almost two years earlier. I reminded him of that, told him I already knew what he was going to tell me, and he sat down and said "I am so sorry". He then explained to me what the normal protocol was. I would have to be induced, and the baby delivered. I could go home and wait for Tuesday (If nothing happened naturally before then), or, I could be admitted now. I chose now. I couldn't go on knowing my baby was dead inside of me.

So, I was admitted & taken to L&D (DH was back by then). The nurse was very sweet. Her name was Melissa. She explained that since it was 5 am already, that the doctor coming on call would have to make the decisions, so it would be at least 7 before any decisions were made. I get a new nurse at 7. Her name is Penny. She is very sweet too. She explains that the OB on call is at another hospital, and that she will come see me as soon as she is finished with rounds there. She shows up about 9:30. She examines me, she does an u/s again. She confirms what we already knew. She told us that she wanted to consult with my Peri to make sure that he agrees with her decisions. At 11:30, they give me my first dose of Cytotech. My contractions start just thirty minutes later. My nurse keep telling me that I can have pain medicine...the lady comes in to prepare me and get consents in case I need anesthesia...I don't WANT pain medicine. Pain is nothing compared to what I was feeling in my heart!

Chris left to get a shower, eat, and make phone calls. I knew he had plenty of time, and I knew he needed some time alone. Penny came in and told me to try to sleep. I told her I tried, but it wasn't happening. She asked me if I wanted the narcotics to help me sleep. Hmmm, yes, I do. I want to sleep. If I go to sleep, I might wake up and this will be a dream. I need to go to sleep. I took the medicine via IV. 4 hours later I had slept off and on, DH was back, and I had another dose of cytotech. I was dilated to a 2. Same thing until 8...Melissa was back as my nurse...contractions were strong...so, no more cytotech. I was a 5...his bag was bulging. Then, things slowed down. At 9:50 I had more cytotech. At a little after 10, I called Melissa in, I was bleeding and I felt like my water had broke. She checked me...sure enough, it had, but I was still only a 5, and it was not time. She told me we were close to "time". I knew that too. At 10:35, I felt the urge to push. I called the nurses station and asked them to send Melissa in. Another nurse came. I didn't know her...I told her I HAD to push, to GO GET MELISSA!!! She left...I called again...another strange nurse came in, I started sobbing...she tried to calm me down...I told her I WANTED MELISSA...she left...I knew the baby was coming. I called the nurses station and yelled at them that the baby was coming out NOW! I hear a commotion and a bunch of people run into my room. Melissa is there. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I had been ready, but the reality of him leaving my body struck, and I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted him in there for longer. It was not HIS time yet!!! Chris was holding my hand, with his back turned. He had said he didn't want to "see". Melissa calmed me some...she got a sheet under more...I told her I couldn't stop it...he was coming...she told me to push...and he was born. May 28th, 2005, 10:45PM. Chris looked. He couldn't help it. I didn't. I couldn't for some reason. Melissa told another nurse to take him and bathe him and bring him back (We had discussed this, and Chris and I decided on this before hand). Everything else happened...the OB showed up. She was crying. (She was pregnant too, due the same time as me.) They brought Brody back. We spent time with him, held him, memorized his little body. Told him we loved him...told him good bye, and then Melissa took him. The OB came back in to "check" me...I was crying again. The OB said I could have an extra strong dose of Stadol if I wanted it...so I could rest and calm down. I agreed, I wanted to sleep more...sleep was a nice escape. Melissa gave me the medicine. Calm, warm, fuzzy, sleep. There is a man telling me to wake up...he is the anesthesiologist. Hmm...now I am going down a hallway. Now I am in a cold surgery room. My arms are strapped down. They are trying to get another IV in me...a nurse smells like cigarettes...YUCK. I ask what is going on...the man says "You are in surgery"...a nurse sticks me in my knuckle vein, and I yell at her...the man says "We need to put her under. she is feeling everything"...I feel pressure on my throat...OH NO, they are intubating me (I do that for a living)...the next thing I know, I woke up in my room again. Melissa explains that I hemorrhaged heavily and I had to go to have an emergency D&C. Chris is asleep. She says I have been back for an hour. It was 3:45 am. Melissa gives me the memory box, and she shows me what is in it. His teddy bear they brought with him to the room. It was the same size as him. His blanket they wrapped him in. All kind of books, his "crib card", and a frame with a poem and his handprints and footprints. Wow, they are so perfect. Then she showed me his pictures. He was beautiful. They did such a wonderful job...I stayed Sunday and Monday to wait on MY OB to come see me. He released me. I came home Memorial day.

Memorial day weekend will NEVER have the same meaning to me now.


Landan's Story

(from HAIN Newsletter Artical Jan 2010)


Landan was one of the sweetest little boys around, anyone who knew him would tell you that. Landan was 3, when he passed away on Nov 16, 2006 from meningococcal meningitis. It was also in his blood stream. He was our only child. He left behind a loving mother, father, step-dad, grandmas, grandpas, aunts & uncles and so many others that loved him dearly.

Everything started on Tuesday November 14th. Landan was acting crabby so my husband (Landan's stepfather) put him down for a nap. He only slept about an hour & was still crabby when he got up. He was touching his throat so I asked if his throat hurt and he said yes. He was still acting crabby and tired so I thought he had a cold, I went out to the store and got him some children s Tylenol and motrin. Landan slept in the living room off and on for the rest of the day until I took him to bed in my room around 9:30-10pm. I gave him more motrin at 2am and he woke up at 3am and asked for more juice, then at 6am I woke up, saw his juice was gone, asked if he wanted more and he said yes so I refilled his cup.


At 9am I woke up to find Landan laying on the floor next to my bed covered in, what looked to me, like bruises. I sat up straight in bed and frantically tried to focus my eyes because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I thought he was dead, I was so afraid to touch him. I thought he was going to be cold. Once my eyes focused I saw he was breathing, touched him and felt that he was still warm. I ran to the kitchen where my cell phone was plugged in, I yelled Landan's name while I was running to the kitchen so he would stay conscious. I called my mom and then 911. When the paramedics arrived they checked his vitals but they knew he was sick so took him out to the ambulance. I remember sitting in the ambulance and asked the driver when we were going to leave, it felt like we sat their forever. We took him to the best hospital in the area, Toledo Children's Hospital. The last thing Landan said to me while we were in the ER before they took him up to the PICU was "Mama hold me" but I couldn't because they needed to get him up to the PICU as soon as they could. I think I said "It's ok bebe." We followed him up, and I remember my mom asking the doctor on the way up if he was going to be ok, and he said something like "... he's a very sick little boy ..." We waited in the waiting room down the hall from the PICU for about an hour. Before the doctor came down they sent a Chaplin in to talk to us, my mom knew then that he was really sick. The PICU doctor came in shortly and told us Landan had bacterial meningitis and it was a 90% mortality rate.

We were finally allowed in to see Landan. We had to be in almost full scrubs. We had to wear masks, gloves, everything. His left foot was completely purple, his back, and nose as well. His other extremities were very splotchy purple. All this was cause by someone called "DIC" which is where the body bleeds and clots at the same time, because he had septicemia. I remember the nurse told us she asked Landan if he wanted to watch cartoons, and Landan said yes so he watched cartoons, but was very out of it. She told us to tell him to go to sleep, my mom (his nana) said "Go to sleep baby", Landan shook his head and said "no." Those were the last words Landan spoke to us. The priest came from our church to preform the anointing of the sick. This was the first time I cried, Landan's dad, the nurse, priest & I were the only ones in the room at this point. If Landan would have survived he would have had several amputations and most likely plastic surgery for his nose. But selfishly we would have taken him any way we could just to have him here with us.


The PICU doctor told us we needed to consider hyperbaric chamber treatments if Landan had a possibility of surviving.Landan fought for 23hrs at the hospital enduring three hyperbaric chamber treatments. It was downstairs for 2hrs in the chamber, upstairs in the PICU for an hour, then back down to the chamber. The treatments were helping to bring back color to the purple areas, because it forces oxygen into the blood and tissues. The PICU doctor said it was a miracle he lasted as long as he did, that's why our hopes here high.


Landan's little heart of gold finally couldn't take anymore and he went into cardiac arrest. We watched them doing chest compressions and then the doctor told us he was gone.


It happened so fast. I stepped out of the PICU for a minute to take a phont call & update my friend because his blood pressure had just went back up. My dad & step mom came running out and told me I need to get back into the PICU right away. I asked my dad as we were walking back in what happened and he told me Landan's heart had stopped and they were doing chest compressions. Like I said we watched the whole thing, I'll never forget that for the rest of my life. We got to hold Landan for 5hours after he was gone. They finally told us it was time to go, I think they know we would have never left. I don't think anyone is ever ready to say goodbye to their child. Landan died on Thursday November 16th.


My baby was laid to rest on Tuesday November 21st, which is exactly a month to the day that he was a ring bearer, and walked me down the aisle in my wedding.


It's been a little over three years now since Landan passed away. My husband & I welcomed Landan's little brother into the world in November 2008. We know Landan had a part in sending him to us, and choosing his birthday. We named his little brother Layne Landan-Michael, to honor forever, his big brother. It's still so hard, and after February Landan will have been gone longer than he was alive, that seems so surreal. I miss Landan as much today, as I did the day he died. He'll never be forgotten, or far from our hearts.


Memorial Website - www.landan-harris.memory-of.com


I'm having trouble attaching a picture of Landan to my email, here is a link to a picture of him



-Lacey, mama to ^Landan^ & Layne-


Remembering Landan 8/17/03-11/16/06






(From Jan 2008 HAIN Newsletter Article)



Stillborn and Still Here

“The Voice of Hope was Silent”


By Diana Gardner-Williams


We arrived at our favorite mountain cabin on Christmas Eve of 2003. This particular accommodation provided a kitchenette, loft, cable TV, and indoor Jacuzzi tub. The back deck overlooked a steep, wooded hill with a pleasantly loud, rushing creek barely visible through the trees. The evergreen shrubs flanking the entrance of the cabin twinkled with multicolor lights and a holiday mug filled with candy was centered on our kitchen table welcoming us. Since we usually spent Christmas with our family, we were unaware of the charming decorations provided by the owners at this time of year. So why were we here? The fact that our beautiful baby boy was born quiet and still brought us to the cabin in the mountains. This was where we would spend our first Christmas without our baby.


My name is Diana Gardner-Williams and I am originally from Buffalo, NY. I moved to North Carolina to study Landscape Architecture and decided to make my home here. The weather was more conducive to my career choice. I also met my wonderful husband Todd and we married in 2000. It wasn’t until 2002 that we decided to expand our family. I had originally planned to try for a baby in May, but then decided to try in August. I have always been a very planned and organized individual and thought having birthday parties in spring would be ideal. There would be an explosion of flowers, no mosquitoes, and the weather would be tolerable. Finally, after 6 long months of charting and taking my temperature, we saw two pink lines. It was apparent that I could not plan when my baby would be born. Our child was scheduled for a fall arrival, another favorite season of mine.


It was a very exciting time for us because several of our friends were also pregnant. The excitement faded for a while because my morning sickness lasted into the night. I never threw up, although maybe hurling my cookies would have lessened the discomfort. Constant nausea made me unpleasant to be around. It wasn’t until week 12 that the morning sickness passed and I was scheduled to see the doctor. At the appointment I was able to see the little heartbeat for the first time, and wow, it was amazing. That little organ was created by us only 3 months ago! The baby and me were given a good report and were scheduled to see the doctor in 2 more months, hopefully to find out the sex.


My girlfriend and her husband owned their own sonogram machine, so I knew we would find out the sex beforehand. Todd and I anxiously drove to their office when I was 15 weeks along to see our little baby. Unfortunately we couldn’t see the sex, but we did see a very active child. The entire 30 minutes was on tape, and I couldn’t wait to show family members what a beautiful child we had.


My husband came with me to the doctor’s appointment where we would find out if the little one would wear blue or pink. I was very nervous because both my mother and mother-in-law expressed their hopes for a little girl. We claimed we didn’t care either way, but secretly I was hoping for a boy. We stared at the monitor like 2 kids staring at a glass candy jar. We could see that something was in there that we wanted, but the packaging camouflaged what it really was. Then she pointed toward the screen to a white, opaque section. It was a penis. There is was, so tiny, and the affirmation we were waiting for. We were thrilled, blue, blue, and more blue. Tanner would be my parent’s third grandson and my mother-in-law’s first grandbaby. I knew that they were somewhat disappointed, but would love him regardless.


It seemed like the entire pregnancy was moving from one aliment to the next. The first three months it was the nausea, and then it was the round ligament stretching and finally the severe backaches. Towards the last few weeks I endured horrible indigestion and probably bruised ribs from Tanner’s kicks. Truthfully, I did not enjoy my pregnancy and I couldn’t wait to have him out. I would later find out that I had stage 4 arthritis in my knees and carrying extra weight added to the stress. I would definitely take a rest from being pregnant after Tanner was born so my body could somewhat heal.


Tanner was due to arrive October 14th. However, on my husband’s birthday I started having contractions that were closer together. I had bought Todd a gift and decided to let him open it in case this is the day Tanner would come. The contractions now were less than 2 minutes apart, so I had Todd call the doctor for guidance. We were instructed to come in for a check. I called my best friend Evelyn to come over and join us at the hospital. My bags had been packed for 2 months and everything in its place, so we easily slipped out of the house in a timely fashion at 2am. I was so excited and felt in my heart that Tanner would be born on Todd’s birthday.


The hospital was incredibly quiet and still as we checked in. We were quickly led to a small examining room to check the progress of labor. I undressed and lay on the table while Todd stood by my side like a proud father to be. My cervix was still closed, but obviously having contractions. The ultrasound technician rolled her machine beside me and poured the cold lubricant on my belly. For some reason there were more nurses in the room now, and the technician just stared at the monitor expressionless. Another nurse put an oxygen mask on my face and I was horrified. Finally someone said that the baby is probably hiding and giving me oxygen might increase his activity. That never happened. After seeing panic in my eyes, Todd asked if Tanner was moving. The technician kept her eyes on the monitor and said simply, “No, I’m sorry.”


At that moment I entered into another world that was so unfamiliar to me. This was a place that I had no control over and I could not plan my next move. I had never felt this much pain, loneliness, or the need to grasp for air like this in my life. Could this be real? We held him, kissed him and loved him, where is he? We would never be the same. We did expand our family, but instead of having a living son, we had a beautiful angel named Tanner.


We were inundated with information on how to survive the first year. Most of the bereavement books and literature suggested taking time for ourselves and gracefully declining family gatherings until we were more comfortable. That is exactly what we decided to do. Thanksgiving was spent at a friend’s home and for Christmas, the two of us drove to our favorite mountain cabin in Spruce Pine.


I packed candles, a lullaby cd, pictures of Tanner, and everything else reminiscent of him to create a shrine. I just wanted to think and feel everything about him during our stay. My eyes were so sore and red from crying so much.


Todd suggested that we get some fresh air and drive into the city of Ashville and shop. On our way to town I expressed to Todd that I was upset that so many of our friends and family members felt that they had been contacted by Tanner. The bear that played Ave Maria, the street sign “Tanner Williams,” the parent yelling for Tanner at the park. Being his parents, I couldn’t understand why we weren’t given any signs from him. I told Todd that I wanted my big sign.


We spent several hours in town and the weather was gorgeous. I remember the quaint shops and brick-laid alleys that added to its charm. The sun sets very fast in the mountains, so we headed back to our cabin around 5. While staring out of the window of our car, something caught my eye. My heart started to flutter and the palms of my hands were dripping with sweat. I was briefly in shock and had to snap out of it fast to tell Todd to pull over and stop. There it was so high in the sky that I could not possibly miss it. It was a billboard said “TANNER.” The hair on the back of my neck stood on its end and Todd sat quietly gazing at the sign. I quickly searched for the camera to take a picture, just in case it disappeared in a flash. After sitting on the side of the road for 10 minutes, we slowly drove off.


We were meant to see that billboard at that precise time in our lives. The sequence of events played in perfect harmony. We were there because of Tanner and he blessed us with one of the biggest signs available to man. Seeing the billboard gave us so much hope and joy to keep going. Feeling his presence at just the right time spoke worlds to me. Our son being born quiet and still, put life into a much different perspective for me. I now view our time here as just a stepping-stone. I truly believe we will all be together again and Tanner’s beautiful song will keep playing for me until I can hold him forever.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above



Owner & Founder of




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